I Did It!

I did it today.  I stuck up for us and let everyone know how it's going to be!   I've decided that next Christmas me and the kid are taking a vacation by ourselves and I refuse to subject us to any family drama.

Let's just say, I'm now officially on everybody's shit list, but I don't care because for once I am doing what is right for us.  I am not going to raise my child in the environment I was raised in.  Arguments every holiday, misery, crying, feeling worthless, being told you're worthless, drama...nope, no way, never.

So I started looking at places to spend next Christmas.  Yes, I know, I'm totally anal looking a good year in advance, but I'm one of those people who have to plan and KNOW where I am going.  Well, I found awesome deals on places to stay, just no awesome airfare because you can't book that far in advance.  Needless to say, I am also one of those paranoid people who will not book a place w/out knowing how I am going to get there.

Right now, it's between Hawaii (yes, this is KILLING ME because I REALLY want to go, but the airfare that I could see as far as you could see was wayyyyy too much), Gulf Shores or Ft. Lauderdale.  Gulf Shores we drive, Ft. Lauderdale we fly.  Hawaii I continue to dream....

So anyway, I told my mother today that we are going away for Xmas and she got pissed.  Her response was that she was having me down with the kid (uh, without asking...just assuming) and also having my younger sister down and her sister down.  First, my sister hasn't spoken to me in 6 years, despite numerous attempts at emailing, Birthday and Christmas cards.  She doesn't even know the kid, has never attempted to make contact with her, send a card, nothing.  The last time I saw her she called me a "fucking bitch" at Thanksgiving dinner and I packed up and drove 7 hours home w/out eating dinner.  Second, her sister has met me once in her life and the extent of the conversation was "Hi, I'm Barb."  Nope, No way, No Thank you.  I refuse to take part in any family drama.  I am no longer going to spend any holiday in the misery of my family.

There will no longer be any Jerry Springer meets Dr. Phil holidays for me and the kid.

We are free, I hereby declare.  And it feels good to breathe. 

Save the Drama for the Wicked Step-Mama

Okay, so here's how it goes down.

Prior to "real" Xmas, my dad and I were going to go out East to see my 91 year old grandma for Xmas.  My kid was with her father this year, so dad was going to come down in early Dec. to have Xmas with her.  Then he met my future step-mother (who will be referred to as the Wicked Witch (WW) from here on out).  He decided he no longer had time to spend with us.  I told him how that one made me feel, so he decided he could spend two hours down here because he couldn't be away from the WW for longer than that.  No matter that I also invited her.  She "didn't have time" for us either.  Whatever.

Two weeks later, he, her and her three boys families all have Xmas dinner together.  We weren't invited.  But afterwards I get the call about how big and fancy her son's home was and how well they ate.  I live in a shoebox, that made me feel like a winner.  At least I know we eat well, and not just once a year.  Ha ha.

And finally, WW decides she has time to go out East with us.  Fine.  Whatever.  No problem.  The drive out was fine.  Grandma opened her big mouth right away and totally embarrassed dad, which pissed him off (cuz my father is constantly constipated and can't lighten up).  Then it turned into my fault because I apparently egged her on.  Uh.....we have a 91 year old woman who needs no egging to get started.  And everyone knows this.  I'm still not even sure what I said to her that got her going (according to my dad).  Even my cousins who were sitting there still don't have a clue.

Day 2...I wake up and join everyone in the kitchen.  WW states how she wants a granddaughter soooo badly, and that me and the kid are not adequate enough because we don't count.  She wants one from her sons and all she has are grandsons.  I was pissed.  My dad didn't even speak up.  Just went on about how adorable HER grandsons are.  I teared up and left the room because I was not going to sit infront of the entire family and cry. 

(It's turning out like wife #2, where HER kids were the only ones that mattered.  In fact, she told him he could no longer have any contact with us kids and he stopped...for 12 years.  Until I looked him up and found out he was divorced again.)

Anyway, I get bitched at and ripped a new one from my dad because I went back to the room and I "take everything the wrong way."  Whatever...but how else are you supposed to take, "You're not adequate?"  Anyway, I go back out and sit.  WW, at this point, has met my three grown cousins and says nothing to them.  Not ONE word.  Does not engage them in conversation, look at them, etc.  She's entirely too busy licking my grandmother and aunt's backsides.

I go out and hang out with my cousins.  At this point, it's like we are kids and the grown ups are talking and the kids are not meant to be heard.  So fine.  I get ripped a new one at that point from my dad again about how I am not giving WW enough attention and she's sick of me. 

Does he expect me to stand over her with a palm leaf and fan her?  Provide her with a bell to ring incase she wants a drink?  Give her a foot massage?

At that point, I was still not sure what I did, considering I was hanging out with my cousins while all the "adults" talked. 

Day 3... I get chewed out again about how I haven't given WW any attention and how we're going to have to have a talk about my attitude.  So I get into it at that point with my dad while he is standing in front of me 6'4" of him SCREAMING at me infront of the entire family like I was a 10 year old kid who did something wrong. 

I then get told again about how the WW is just so sick of me.  I literally make her sick. Here's the cake topper. I spent the night at my cousin's house...so I wasn't even staying with my aunt and uncle where my dad and WW were staying.   How is she sick of me when I wasn't giving her any attention?  How was she sick of me if I wasn't even there to get sick of?

He then tells me that she's all that matters to him and I have just alienated myself from being in his life.  He tells me this right infront of her.  I guess she knows where she stands.  If I were her and felt threatened by me (which, I think she does), I would be sitting there very smug thinking, "ha, I could do and say anything now to get her out of our lives."  And I bet you she probably thought just that.

Next he goes to my grandma's house with her and I'm not allowed to go see my grandmother.  The phone rings and my aunt comes back to tell me we are heading home that night (at 9:30pm for a 11 hour drive) because WW is so sick of me and doesn't want me around.

We head out.  Neither of them talk to me and the bitch backs her seat all the way back so that I can't even get my foot into the backseat on the floor. 

First rest stop, I'm awake, I get out to pee.  Everyone closes their car door just fine.  Second rest stop, I'm asleep with my head on the end of her side of the car.  She slams the door as hard as she can. 

Finally, we make it back and my dad drops my bags in the kitchen, walks out of my house and leaves without a word. 

Well, fuck-that.  I did just fine for 12 years without any drama in my life.  If that's how it's going to be again, so be it.  But this time, I'm not doing the reaching.  I'm just really pissed that it's my kid that is going to be hurt and shafted.  Screw me - fine...Screw my kid - not so fine.  He can call her up and explain to her why he no longer wants to be a part of her life...I'm not going to be the one to hurt her.

Merry Fucking Christmas!  I think this one almost tops the one when my mother put me in foster care on Christmas Eve.  If it didn't top it, it's for sure a tie, or at least runner up!

What is left to say???  I clearly have to be adopted.  I just haven't found my papers yet!

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BTW, I got my dad the Season 1 & 2 of Everybody Loves Raymond for Xmas and WW was pissed.  She told me straight to my face that it was no fair that I bought that because she wanted to get it for him.  I just looked at her and told her, "You know, there are like 8 other seasons you can buy."  Bitch.

Third Wheel

2:56am...no use on sleeping now when we'll be on the road by 4:30.  I'm quite convinced that I'm going to end up being pushed aside and dragging along like a third wheel.  Not looking forward to this trip, but I want to see my grandma.  She's going to be 91 and what if this is the last time I see her? 

I had a horrible nightmare the other night that she was telling me she was talking to Bill.  That's my grandfather that has been dead for 12 years.  Then the dream went on to have someone standing over me in my bed yielding a knife.  I woke up in a sweat and haven't really been able to sleep since then.  I've just been kind of freaked out in my own house. 

Don't know what caused such a strange, crazy dream...but I dont think I'm quite over it yet.

Oh well...Merry Christmas and Happy Third Wheel to all.  :p

I am truly hopless...and it's been proven

Sooooo, I meet up with some girls and we head out to happy hour Thursday night.  I actually go and fix myself up so I look decent.  A nice red sweater, tight(er) jeans, make-up...and there is a group of guys there.  One guy comes up and starts talking to us...but really focusing on the one girl in our group.  He's hitting on her and talking and talking and talking. 

She's a lesbian.

Now if I can't get a guy to talk to me, but he hits on the lesbian in the group, what does that say about me?  I'm hopeless and it's just been proven.

Oh Crap! Bottle of Wine + Conversation makes for....Oh NO!

So I got asked if I would be a bridesmaid tonight...by my dad's girlfriend.

Here goes the conversation:

Me:  "Are you sure cuz you know you have three daughter-in-laws?  And I really don't want you asking me because you feel like you have to be nice or obligated or anything."  (Yes, I am a bitch)

Her:  "No, I really would like you and my friend Donna to stand up."

Me:  (Inside my head....OH SHIT!)  "Really?  Do I have to wear a really ugly dress?"

Dad in the background, "No, she should wear fishnets..." (Trying to be funny)

Me:  "Oh great, tell my dad I got the hooker boots to go with it."

Her:  "She has the outfit...no, really, you can wear anything you want."

Me:  "Like Black?  Cuz that's really slimming."  (NOT because I'm mourning, but I found and bought a killer black dress and have no place to wear it)

Crap. Crap. Crap.  First of all, I don't want to stand up infront of a church.  I've never been a bridesmaid and could really die without ever being one.  And second, I was planning on photographing the wedding and making a photobook for them as a gift.  Now what the hell am I going to do?  Carry my camera instead of flowers?  Okay, so and I'm dying to mess around with my new camera.  But really, overall, I HATE being infront of a crowd.  And yes, I'm totally selfish...but how well does this woman really know me?  I mean, am I wrong to be suspicious?

Maybe I should make a condition...like I'll stand up if you invite at least 5 single guys in my age range???  (okay, and they have to be decent...not like they can have 3 eyes or anything!)

10 Random Thoughts

1.  After nearly mowing down an old man that jumped out infront of my car today in the Starbucks parking lot, I wondered, is there a person in America over the age of 20 that will die without ever having eaten a thing from McDonald's?  Don't ask me how Starbucks corralates to McDonalds.

2.  My doctor put me on blood thinners after this last surgery.  Should I be wondering why I was put on blood thinners after this surgery and not the last?  What's the big secret he's not telling me?

3.  At least one Christmas carol should be sung year round at church every Sat/Sun.  It makes me happier...who cares if it annoys the rest of the general population?  It annoys me that they started exclusively playing them 24/7 on the radio station here THREE WEEKS before THANKSGIVING!  I miss the Plain White T's and 80's Flashback Fridays!

4.  Do you ever see someone in the general population (like at a store, or church, or an event) and you feel tremendously sorry for them?  Like you feel like they look totally sad and are carrying the weight of the world and you wish you could pat them on the back or hug them and tell them it'll be all right...even if you don't have a clue if it will?

5.  Why do they call it the 12 Days of Christmas when it really lasts like 2 months?  Someone forgot how to count or ran out of fingers!  (But then looking back at #3, I suppose it would have to be called at least the 52 days of Christmas...hmmmmm.)

6.  I love my new chapstick that comes in a tube shaped like an Easter egg.  Correction...I loved it until I knocked it off the end table and it rolled under the couch.  Damn it for making me try to get on all fours and reach for it.

7.  Why do I keep dreaming (going on two weeks now) that I'm pregnant with twins and am walking around carrying them stone drunk with a constant glass of wine in my hand?  What is wrong with THAT picture? 

8.  I used to tease my dad that if I wasn't adopted he surely had an affair with the mail lady because I am not my mother's child.  But after two weeks of dating a woman and deciding to get married to her, I'm positive that I am not the mail lady's either.  I am now 100% sure that I am 110% whole-heartedly adopted.

9.  I met this cute guy when I went out for my birthday.  Thought he'd be fun to go out with (definitely not marriage material or even serious dating material, but fun) until we hooked up on Facebook and all he talked about are the "supermodels he bangs" and the size of his penis.  There are two things wrong with that:  #1.  A guy that talks about the size of his penis obviously cannot be that large, and #2. Why risk an STD?  Back to the drawing board it is....

10.  Ten is a difficult number.  I now understand why the American population groups things in 3's.

Peace out and here's to a night without twins (cuz God knows that now that mine is grown I cannot stand screaming brats...especially at WalMart!).....

Mother of the Year

And the Mother of the Year Award goes to......(drum roll please)

MY MOTHER!!!!

A few months ago when I learned that I'd be having surgery on my other hip and the date I told my mother.  Her response was, "Oh, I'm probably going to travel that week."  Whatever.

This weekend she phones me and tells me how she's taking off of work Monday-Wednesday next week (my surgery is Monday) to bake cookies for my Aunt (her sister) and her two kids (who are grown adults only a few years younger than me.)

I wonder if I'm too old to be adopted by my soon to be "new" mom????

Perspective

Well, I met dad's "fiance" this weekend.  It was, well, interesting to say the least.  I'm really not sure what to think.  My first impression is that she is nice but trying to push too hard.  Right away she asked the kid if she would like to be the flower girl.  (Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that they considered her, but she couldn't wait a couple of weeks?)  Then when we were leaving she gave the kid big hugs and kisses.  It kind of turned me off because I am protective like that.  I thought, "Back off bitch, you don't even know us well enough to do that yet."  Yes, I have my guard up.  In all honesty though, I want to like her.  There is just something that is not sitting right with me but I can't pinpoint it.  Maybe it's just that she's moving in too fast with me and my kid.  I don't like that.  We'll see how it goes.  The last time I saw her this weekend I asked her for her phone number.  I have to keep tabs some way, right?  She gave it to me...but I STILL can't find anything on the computer about her!  How is that possible?  Oh well.

Went out Sat. night with some friends.  Had soooo much fun and got to see an old friend too.  Yay!  We started off at a dueling piano bar that pretty much sucked.  I think after being down here and to the one we went to months ago, we were very spoiled.  We decided to leave that one and do a pub crawl back to the hotel.  Managed two bars and then stayed in the third one until the end of the night.  They had a pretty good band and DJ when the band was breaking.  There was a good mix of people there.  Dancing.  Drinking.  Talking.  It was all good.  And bonus, I got bought two drinks by two men.  I know, it's a real heart stopper.  But nothing came of that...most likely because they figured out I wasn't going to go home with them.  Then we met Hot Dog Aaron out on the street.  I'm telling you, drop dead gorgeous!  I was in love...with the hot dog vendor.  And I hate hot dogs.  LOL.  But he was sooo cute...but um, only 24.  So would that make me a cougar? 

Finally got back to the hotel and one of the girls went to bed and the other and I stayed up talking.  So in one sense, it was good reassurance that other people's families are just as, if not more, disfunctional than mine.  But in another sense, I worry about my two friends.  They are both married to husbands that are total jerks and it really bothers me.  I hate to see them hurting, but I can't change their situation.  Only they can, right?  Dad just says I should be there for them to vent, but it still hurts.  I love my friends dearly.  I don't know how we all ended up together (they are like the sisters I never had (considering the caliber of real ones I do have)), but it works. 

Going out back home makes me miss home so much.  I literally felt like I wanted to vomit driving home today...and no, I was not hungover.  I miss everything about home.  I was thinking today how stupid I was at 18 doing everything I possibly could to "get out of here" and only now almost 15 years later feeling sick with a need to move back and not being able to. 
One more week of work this week and then surgery.  I'm starting to get nervous all over again despite knowing what I'm in for.  Is that even normal?  (Although I was never claiming to be anything of the sort).

I Missed the Tornado

First....my picture post!  Drum roll pllllllllleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I HAVE NOT BEEN THIS SIZE SINCE PRE-PREGNANCY...so count 'em...it's been EIGHT long years! 

Just got home from shopping and bought three pair of pants, and YES, ALL IN A SIZE 12!  I think the grin on my face might actually be a size 18 though. 

Anyway, what's been going on?  Ugh, this might be a novel. 

Surgery is two weeks away.  What it will feel like to have two new hips!  What a concept.  I have to say, I'm thrilled to have the second one done, with the first one done I have noticed such a difference.  Even the herniated discs in my back don't give me trouble anymore (or rarely).  Which is huge because my back would hurt so bad before.  So while I'm happy to finally be getting fixed, I'm getting quite sick of the "bionic" woman jokes.  Like I asked for this body???  If it had been up to me, I'd have gladly taken Angelina Jolie's.  Well, maybe with a little bit bigger boobs.

My dad is getting married again.  WTF is that?  He knows this lady from church and asked her out on a date like 2 weeks ago and now they are getting married?  Seriously, who's dying?  When did the tornado blow through town?  I think it's wayyyyy too fast and you think he would have learned from the ride the last one took him on.  But who is he to listen to me? I guess all I can say is that I hope this time he knows what he's doing and it's forever.  I'm going to meet this bimbo this coming Wednesday.  I know, I need to be nice, but....come on!

Well, ok.  I guess I'm done.  I hear the beaters calling me from the kitchen to go make Tiramisu Cupcakes.  YUMMMMMM.....(size 12, size 12, size 12...Give them away.  Don't eat them!)

Changes

I've decided to stop taking the chemotherapy drug the doctor put me on.  I don't care what she says, I'm done.  I've had it this week.  I got really sick (and yes, I'm blaming the drug because it lowers your resistance to infection, etc.).  It started off with a double ear infection and strep throat and then progressed to bronchitis.  Despite being on two steroids and an antibiotic for a week, I am still sick.  I'm done.  This drug increases your chance of getting pneumonia by 60%.  My chest is still in pain, I've considered today going in to beg for a chest x-ray because I'm afraid there is something more than just bronchitis wrong with me.  But I haven't gone because I don't want to be "nuts."  The only thing I can say is that my chest has NEVER hurt like this before. 

In addition to the whole pneumonia factor, I have been exhausted and cranky since starting the medication.  I can't function any more like this.  I could literally go to bed by 7pm every night and still be exhausted the next day within an hour of waking up.  I know too, that I have been snappy at the kid, and that just doesn't work.  It's not fair to her.

Anyway, I have to get/be healthy now until Dec. or the doc isn't going to clear me for surgery on the 6th.  I HAVE to have the hip surgery this year because the insurance is paying for it 100%.  If I end up waiting until next year I have to front $3000.00.  Here's to keeping my fingers crossed!

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This weekend I got a new computer.  I finally sucked it up and bought one for my personal use.  I was using my work computer for all of the internet surfing, but was stuck when it came to downloading photos.  My old laptop is a piece of crap and I was just waiting for it to crash.  I decided to go and buy a laptop this weekend after looking and looking.  I don't know why, but I feel like I've got a year left in my position before they start "re-orging" and I'm looking...so I also thought now, while I have the money, was a good time to get one incase I need to start looking in a year. 

I love my new computer so far.  Right now I'm busy backing up all of my photos.  I'm paranoid, since everything is digital, that one day all of my pictures of the kid growing up will be gone.  I've got them on my piece of crap computer, on an external hard drive and now I'm working on uploading them to a photo website.  The only problem is is that I have 3000+ photos to upload.  Sounds like it may be an all day project tomorrow to finish.  Ugh! 

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So big news...I bought a dress AND a skirt - wait, make that two skirts this weekend.  I haven't owned one or the other since, well, probably since pre-pregnancy.  I think I like them.  I think I'm going to wear one skirt to work this week.  I'm expecting to be appropriately embarrassed by my co-workers because they know I'm totally boring and conservative in the "hip" dress department.  We'll see how it goes...I'll probably want to hide under my desk.

Maybe when the kid comes home I'll post a couple of pics and see what you think?

OOOO!!!  I forgot to also mention the kick-ass pair of boots I got too!!!  I LOVE THEM!!!!  They are awesome and I got a great deal on them too.  They are LEATHER and I had a 30% off coupon to boot! (No pun intended.)

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Oh yes, and I got my hair cut today.  Just about 2 inches shorter with a slight layer to it so it swings and flips.  Had to get rid of the straight boring, hang there hair.

Girls Night Out

First I had an awesome time hanging with two awesome people.  Second, I'm seriously wondering if I'm too old to be hanging out til 3 in the morning at a club.  I am SOOOO tired today.

We went into the city this weekend and rented a hotel room.  Went to a swanky nice dinner and then out to a club.  We actually had to wait in line to get into the club.  It was just like in the movies!  (Yes, I am easily amused).  One of the girls I was with talks to everyone.  I mean anyone and everyone.  She started talking to the people in line behind us.  (Something I would never do) and it was so wierd.  Turns out the girl works with a department I used to work with for the same company and the guy spent 6 months in college studying in Santiago where I did.  What are the odds?  Of all the people in the world to stand behind us in line?  So wierd.  I don't know, I thought it was strange. 

We got into the club and it was rockin'.  Crowded, loud and super fun.  Of course I couldn't dance with my hip in the condition it still is, so I was the drink holder.  But I still had a great time watching everyone and enjoying the music.  I could people watch all night. 

So we stayed at the club until about 3am and cabbed it back to the hotel where we sat up and talked some more.  Then I woke up at 6am and couldn't sleep the rest of the morning.

It was so nice to have a girls night out.  I haven't had one since probably college.  It's been hard to meet people to hang out with here, but I've lucked out and found another transplant.  And non-high maintenance to boot.  Right up my alley.

I managed to come out of my shell and actually wear the tight pants and hooker boots I bought.  That was stretching it for me, but it worked.  I wore the sweater instead of the jacket and I'm glad I did because I had a night of personal summers and that jacket would have probably made me pass out from heat stroke. 

Anyway, when we got off the train today I literally walked in the house and fell asleep on the couch.  I'm getting old, right?

Second Opinion - Which One?

I bought two jacket/sweater things tonight.  One is a jacket, it looks more punky.  The other is a sweater that looks a little more classy (you can't tell in the pic though).  Which one should I choose to wear?  I know the pics aren't great, but the kid wasn't here to take them tonight.

SOLICITING BRUTALLY HONEST OPINIONS

So I'm going into the city with some girls this weekend.  We're going out.  I haven't been in a bar in 8 years.  I have nothing but mom clothes.  I have no style.  And I'm fat.  So what the heck do I wear?  I went shopping tonight and this is the only thing I found.  I think it's ridiculous?  Right?  I don't know what to get or where to go shopping for something "sexy" (as my co-workers are telling me). 

SOLICITING BRUTALLY HONEST OPINIONS

Party Thoughts...Am I Irrational?

Blog N' Bitch...

Yesterday was the kid's birthday party (which I will blog about later as a good thing), but I need some perspective on something else.  Am I being irrational? 

This one girl was invited.  Guess who shows up?  Her mother and older (5th grade) brother...who expects and is expected to participate in the party?  THE GIRL WAS INVITED, not her brother!  Anyway, the mother stays for the party and plops her fat ass in the chair on the patio and talks the entire time to one of the other parents.  Never volunteered to help, never getting up except to eat a piece of cake.

Well, the girl cried the entire time.  For everything.  She couldn't break the pinata open.  She cried.  She couldn't pop a ballon on her ankle.  She cried.  The potato sack race was "too hard."  She cried.  The mother babied her the entire freaking time.  (Let me just note, this kid was invited to another party that my kid went to and did the same thing at the party.  Cried the entire time.)

Then here comes her brother.  Who says the games are stupid and starts throwing a tennis ball against my house.  The mother says nothing.  He takes a wack at the pinata and it falls on the ground.  So instead of stopping and letting us hang it back up (it was not broken open) he starts beating it while everyone else is screaming at him to stop.  The mother says nothing to him.  We finally hang it back up.  Then at the end when everyone is leaving he walks up to me and says (direct quote):  "I want my goody bag!"  Mother says nothing.  No thank you from the kid.

Needless to say, I was PISSED.  Hence this blog post.  I'm still pissed when I think about it today.  I wanted to smack them all to the moon.  Were they rude?  Or am I wrong to be pissed? 

My points:
1.  Only the girl was invited.  The invitation was addressed specifically to this child.
2.  The party was for 2nd graders.
3.  The boy, I think was extremely rude.
4.  The mother, HELLLLLOOOOO????  Need I say more?
5.  They live 4 blocks away.  They couldn't have gone home and come back 2 hours later?

Now I get that the mother probably stayed because the kid is a whopping cry baby, but then she should take her home or stop babying her and tell her to suck it up.  I may be a bitch, but there is no way I'd tolerate that if my kid did it.  I simply don't have the patience.  Either have fun or don't go.  How is this kid going to make it through life?  Mama's gonna hold her hand???

When I was little, if my sister was invited to a party, it was for my sister.  If I was invited to a party, it was for me.  Same with playdates.  If my sister had someone over I was expected to find something else to do.  That was for her.  Same for me. 

What the hell is wrong with people who do this?  Is it not rude to just expect that your other, older or younger child was invited too or be allowed to participate?  What if I hadn't have had extra goody bags?  What if I would have had a spine and said something like, "No, you can sit on the porch with your mother and wait."  Wonder what the reaction would have been?

Would you do it?  I know I only have one child, but I would never do that to someone if I had more than one.  I think it's unacceptable.  The kid has other friends who had younger/older siblings and none of them stayed on for the party.  WTF?  Am I being irrational?  Or did this situation border on ridiculous???

OMG. I Can't Win.

So it's been a while since I've blogged.  I know, I get it.  Believe me, there have been many a times that I've wanted to blog in the past few weeks, but work has really picked up and quite frankly, after fixing systems all day the last thing I want to do is be on the computer at home.  Blah!

Anyway, to blog this or not?  I don't know what to do but considering I woke up this morning after having a dream that I was dying, what the hell?  I got the MRI done on my other hip a couple of weeks ago.  The results came back that I'm having surgery again.  Thrilling, I know.  But what was disturbing was that the report wrote that there "May be a possible cyst on the ovary."  Way to go doc, leaving my ovaries in there.  (Ok, I get why she did that, but come on!!!!).  An ultrasound was recommended.  Well that didn't come back with "positive" results...something has high possiblity of being there.  I have to go get an MRI immediately...and guess what pelvic MRI's are used for?  To detect and stage cancer.  It hasn't even been a freaking year yet.  I wish I could say I'm in denial, but I'm freaking out.

I keep trying to tell myself it could be nothing, but my obsession with worry is getting the best of me - hence the nightmare I had last night.  What the hell am I going to do if it's back????

Traumatic or Drama Queen?

This morning I had the other MRI Arthrogram on my other hip.  When I scheduled it, they told me that they could give me something to calm my nerves if I had a driver.  I found a driver.  They refused to give me anything. 

This guy comes in that called himself "Dr. Goldstein" and told me he could not give out any drugs, he had no authorization to do that and if I was nervous I should just "reschedule and come back a different day."  Cuz that was going to make a difference???  Be nervous today or let it rot in your stomach and come back again??? So I explain to him that they confirmed something would be given as long and I had a driver.  I also say to him that I don't understand how he is not "authorized" to medicate when he is a "doctor" and doing the procedure?  At which point he gets an attitude and tells me he is the RADIOLOGIST!!!  Did I strike a blow to his ego?  Puh-lease, he is far from God.  Strike number one.

Needless to say, the procedure DID NOT go smoothly.  He could not get the needle into the joint and down to the bone.  So he ended up sticking needle after needle (6 total) in and out of my hip joint until he decided it was where it needed to be.  He tells me then during the procedure, "You know, this is not my fault, it's all how your anatomy is.  It's not right."  Blame the patient.  It's MY fault because he can't do his job?  Strike number two.

Finally after 6 tries, tears streaming down my face, him suggesting yet again that he just stop and I come back since I "can't take it" and me shaking like my body temperature is 0 degrees he "thinks" he has it in the right spot and tries injecting the dye.  I ask him if he had it and he goes, "I don't know, I have to look at the screen and see if it's going in the right spot."  Strike three, I was ready to kill him!!!!!!

I swear to God, if ever something goes wrong with my hips again, I will be dragging my leg behind me with both arms carrying it before I EVER go through this again.

I would NEVER EVER recommend this place to anyone.  I have had the worst experiences and the most hassles with them.  The nursing staff is rude, the radiologist is obviously incompetent and you can never get to talk to the doctor.  You get about 5-10 minutes in a room with him because his attitude is, "I'm the surgeon, I don't "do" anything else."  (Thank goodness I chose a different doctor and organization to have my knees looked at next Tuesday.  I may just bring my Hip MRI and ask him for his opinion while I'm there.)

Results will come back next Thursday.  Surgery can be done in December - if needed.

Here Goes...

I started Chemotherapy medication for Lupus tonight.  It's gotten progressively worse in a short amount of time.  Wondering what's going to happen next?  That is, aside from being nauseous like no one would believe.

Kids Say the Funniest Things

The other night (cuz I forgot to blog this story!) the kid was running around the house naked after her shower...what else is new?  So I of course, pinch her cute little butt.  She turned around to me and says, "Ow mom!  I have either a splinter or a papercut on that butt cheek!" 

How in the world do you get a papercut on your butt?????

Freeeeeedommmmm!

I got okay'd to drive for the first time in 4 weeks today.  Naturally, I went to pick the kid up at school - considering I haven't been to school once yet this year.  She was so surprised to see me.  She says to me, "Mom, why are you soooo fancy today?"  WTF?  I was wearing sweats, but I had make-up on and straightened my hair with the flat iron today.  I guess she got used to seeing me in pajamas 24/7.  I never knew sweats could be fancy!

Growing Up with Boys

Yesterday the kid comes home from school, walks through the front door, drops her bag on the ground, heads to the fridge and says non-chalantly to me, "Yeah mom, I gave Jack my phone number today."  Big sigh.

Me:  "You what?" 

Her:  "Yeah, I gave Jack my phone number.  I asked him for his (she wants to invite this kid to her birthday party) but he told me that I should give him mine and he would call me."

Me:  "Oh, ok."  (Being the optomist I am (ha ha) thinking she just got the blow off and the kid really isn't into her.)

Wellllll.....the phone rings around 6 o'clock and I answer. 

Jack:  "Um, yes, hello.  Is there a person named Maddie that lives at this number?"

Me:  (Trying really super hard not to die cracking up.)  "Yes, who is this?"  (I thought it was a girl!  You know, 2nd grade boys still sound like girls!)

Jack:  "This is Jack."

And they talked for about 20 minutes.  I gathered he was asking her what her "plans" were for the weekend!  Thank goodness the kid's not "into" boys yet (she still looks at them as someone to play with so she doesn't have to play by herself), but it seems like the boys are already more advanced right now in regard to talking to girls.  She's got two boy friends like this now!!!

I just think the whole conversation was totally hilarious and how my kid was trying really hard to act like it was no big deal.

I Punished My Child

I caught the kid lying last week.  And I was pissed.  If that's one thing that gets under my skin it is lying.  Well, she's 7, so there isn't too much to take away from a kid at this age...toys?  TV?  Playdates (is it worth the risk of insanity?) 

Anyway, this is the second time in a year (I KNOW, count my blessings) that I've caught her lying.  (NOTE I SAID CAUGHT!!!)  This time I was really mad though because she told me her teacher said something and then I confronted the teacher.  Even though I was very nice and tiptoeing around the issue (I paid for a calculator she has to have and she hasn't received it.  So instead of telling me she didn't get it she told me the teacher said she never got the money that MY DAD gave directly to the when he took her to school.)  Needless to say, I felt like a fool.. Why would the kid lie about something so stupid?  It wasn't like she was responsible for giving the teacher money.  (And I did ask her why she would lie and she shrugged her shoulders and said, "I don't know.")

Well, I decided her punishment would be one FULL week without TV.  I know, I'm a bitch, right?  When you really consider it though, in our house it's not much of a punishment.  We watch MAYBE 2 shows a week and we don't have cable...rough life, I know.  My child is deprived.  Call Social Services.  Report me.

I really did not even think it would turn into so much drama, but it did!  The kid LOVES Wipe-Out.  Anyway, I sent her to bed last night and came out and turned on the TV.  Being the only mindless thing on TV I sat to watch it.  Duh, duh, duh, dummmm...she comes out of bed for a glass of water and FLIPS when she sees me watching Wipe Out.  I'm talking full on sobs, hysterics, feet stomping 3 year old temper tantrum.  (I'd love to know what my not-so-friendly neighbors think considering they were outside and our windows were wide open.  They probably thought I was beating her or something with the way she was carrying on.)

So I tell her to get her butt back in bed and the hysterics continue for another 1/2 hour.  "Moooom, please can't you at least watch something else on TV?  ANYTHING but WIPE OUT!!!!????!!!"  Sob, sob, scream, jump on the bed, stomp the feet on the floor, etc.  I'm the absolute WORST mom in the whole wide world!!!

Finally 1/2 hour later after ignoring her she comes out and tells me she needs cough medicine because she is so sick.  Me being the ultimate bitch tells her, "Go back to bed, you feel the way you do because you were crying and carrying on like a 3 year old.  No go back in that bed and do not get up again."

Mission accomplished.  She stayed in bed and fell asleep within 10 minutes.

Now....I wonder, when is the next time she is going to lie again?  And will she think twice about it???

(And I can't help but feel a slight victory that I stuck to my guns, I think she learned a lesson.  For once I didn't feel guilty about being "tough."  Maybe her hysterics and drama helped dissapate the guilt factor)

If my hip were better I'd take a victory lap....

Pearls Of Wisdom

I graduated to crutches and asked the kid to take my walker down to the basement.  I didn't want to see it anymore...there is no love lost between me and the walker.

Well, anyway, someone came over to help out around the house last night and brought their 5 year old girl with them.  Of course, my kid being nearly 8 took on the "motherly, older sister" type behavior.  She had to show off my walker.  I hear them in the basement, supposedly looking for a game.  All of a sudden I hear the walker "thump-thump" across the basement floor and I hear my kid say, "See?  This is my mom's walker.  Wanna try it?  Then you'll know what it's like to be like an old lady!"

My kid thinks I'm ancient!!! OMG!!!  But it's so funny!!!!

Oh The Drama!

Okay, so I haven't really felt like writing, but today I got just enough of a boost to do so.  I went from not walking, to having a walker to finally being on crutches today!!!!  Bit by bit my freedom is coming back.  I just can't wait to actually be able to drive myself and run around and do what I need to do!

So surgery was supposed to take 1.5 hours, but took 4 instead.  Turns out the MRI did not show everything that needed to be fixed.  The doctor found that my femoral head is cracked and damaged.  Bad news is that there is no technology or anything he could do to fix it.  So super glue, obviously is not a fix all (nice thought though, huh?).  Don't know how long that will last, he says only time will tell.  Ultimately, I might be looking at hip replacement sometime in the next 20 years - oh joy.  I wish I could have had that done now but he wouldn't because of my age.  WTF, I'm not getting any younger?  So next he found a huge chunk of bone (don't know where that was broken off from) floating in the hip socket.  The hunk of bone was damaging my other bones there by floating around and having a ball.  It was also part of the cause of 3/4 of the cartiledge being torn.  That didn't show on the MRI either.  So surprise doc!  I like to keep things interesting, what can I say?

Anyway, after surgery was over I got sooooo sick from the anesthesia.  They even had to kick my dad out of the room.  That was pleasant...and get this, they still had the balls to send me home THAT SAME NIGHT at 11:30 pm!!!!  Needless to say, I woke up two days later with a 103 degree fever and ended back up at the hip doc.  No infection in the hip, but I had a nice doozy in my lungs. 

Well, now it's 3 weeks later, lots of physical therapy appointments with a cute therapist (yay!).  I get my butt pinched, my crotch massaged (okay, the groin muscle, but hey?  I'll take what I can get) and it's all good.  (So glad I have a male therapist!)  I do have to say though the first time the therapist grabbed my butt I was totally not expecting it and nearly flew off the table.  My face was sooooo red.  He turned away to try to calm my embarrassment.  Therapy is going well though.  Today I got off the walker (thank God!) and onto crutches.  I also did a mile and a half on the bike - no resistance, but just biking at level 1.  I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but it is a lot of progress in 3 weeks when I think about not having been able to walk. 

Two more weeks and I get to mosey my way back into the office.  At the risk of sounding like I'm 5, I don't wannnnnaaaaa go!!!!!!!!!!!!  I like, no I love working from home.  Oh well, I guess I can't have everything.  I am just grateful that I've gotten to work from home and still get my paycheck - woo hoo!

So what's next?  Well, the pleasant big old needle stick on my left hip and an MRI.  I am dreading it.  I wonder if I could take some left over pain pills to get me through that one?  LOL.  I also have an appointment with a knee doc in two weeks because I am pretty sure I have a torn miniscus in both my knees.  Can you imagine?  Two hips and two knees?  Just call me the bionic woman.  Ha, ha, I know, soooo not funny!  But while I seem to be on a roll I might as well get fixed up.  I mean I hate to give up my guy magnet walker...it's just sooo sexy!

You Can Have Your Cake...

Another crazy wierd dream that woke me up with a start this morning.  I dreamed that the brakes went out on my car and the entire road was covered with ice, so even though the car was in "park" it was still sliding around with a mind of it's own and I was terrified that I was going to run into someone.  Lucky for me, I was able to get it back in the garage and put bricks behind all of the tires.  Then I called Car-X to have them come tow it and fix...but they gave me this outrageous price so I went to eat a huge slice of cake that cost $11.

REALITY:
Leave it to me to be fasting for 12+ hours and dream about eating a 7 layered cake with 3 inches of frosting.  Only MY mind would go and pull something like that!!!  The funny thing is, I don't even LIKE cake.

Less than 24 Hours

So it's less than 24 hours.  As of this morning, I have lost 8 pounds this past week.  That's good news to me, but this is not the way I should be losing it.  I was up all night last night and didn't fall asleep until 7:30 this morning and woke up at 9.  Needless to say, I'm not feeling so hot.  Went to TGIF's to eat a turkey burger hoping that that will keep me full until tomorrow at 1pm (yes, the nuts gave me an OR time of 1!), and I also ordered a salad to go to eat at 11:30 tonight since there is no eating after midnight.  I ate the whole burger, which is probably more than I've eaten all week in one sitting and I feel like I'm going to puke.  I am regretting my decision to have eaten...or at least having eaten the entire burger.  Yuck!  Oh well, this post is stupid but I'm losing it...but hey, look at it this way.  If I were a guy you all would be thinking, "Well, at least he's getting in touch with his feelings."  LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eyes Wide Shut

BLOG N' BITCH...So I'm lying here wide awake and can see I'm going to face yet another sleepless night.  Okay, so maybe right now I'm pissed off and feeling sorry for myself and whatever other emotions are going on in my crazy brain right now. 

I just got frustrated.  I want to know why me?  I'm sure everyone has that question when faced with a challenge, but seriously why me?  My life wasn't supposed to turn out this way with what seems like surgery after surgery.  I don't smoke at all or drink heavily like both of my sisters, I'm not an alcoholic like my mother, I don't weigh 300 lbs. like my sister and lay around on the couch all day, but WHY am I the one facing all of the health issues?  (And by bringing them up, I am by NO means wishing any of this upon them...I'm just saying, out of all of us, I seem to live the "healthiest" lifestyle.)

How did I go from playing sports year round K-College to being who I am today?  Lupus, hypothyroid, Sjogrens, cancer, COME ON!  I'm pissed.  What the hell is next?

I know I should be grateful that I have it together for the most part, unlike my sisters and my mother.  I have a steady job, a wonderful daughter, a house, etc...but I want to be able to live a healthy life too.  I'm sick of being chopped up and needled and x-rayed, etc. 

Where the hell did I mess up?  Forgive me for sounding like a self-centered bitch, but I am pissed.

Dreams?

I have been having REALLY strange dreams lately - that is, when I acutally sleep.  The two that I remember and have stuck with me over the past two days are below.  Wonder what in the world they mean?

The first one happened two days ago:

I left a Wolves game on Roller Blades in the winter and was climbing up and down rocks on my rollerblades to avoid the highway.  The next thing I knew I was on the campus of Notre Dame roller blading on this beautiful courtyard with built with polished bricks.  I was skating in circles like the figure skaters and then would do those great turns and spins like they do.  There was a water fountain in the middle of the square and tons of people.  The sky was crystal clear blue and it was springish/summer (as opposed to winter when I left the hockey game).  The last scene in the dream was that I was spinning with my back bent backwards and arms out and felt wonderful and a lady was holding a chuncky little baby out who was staring me right in the face.

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

The second dream I had this morning and woke me with a start.

I had gotten re-married and instead of a huge reception, I invited 10 couples to celebrate in a flower field with an evening picnic and a strolling violinist.  So we had provided the ten couples with picnic blankets and baskets filled with cheese and wine, etc.  It was really romantic...if only I could see my "future hubbies" face.  LOL.

I don't know, I'm wierd, but I had to write them down because they are so strange.  Babies and husbands???  Foretelling?  Just lost hopes?  Simply my nerves going haywire?  What is it???

I'm Bringing Sexy Back!

As promised, here is the gear I get to deal with over the next several weeks.

The first picture on the left are the boots I get to put on and strap to the middle thing while I'm sleeping.  It's supposed to prevent me from moving and rolling my hip.

The first picture on the right is the hip brace I get to wear everytime I'm not in bed lying down.

The second picture on the left is the CPM machine that I have to user 4-6 hours a day.  It's supposed to move my leg up and down and bend the knee so that the hip joint doesn't get stiff.

The second picture on the right is the leg pump that I have to wear on my calves to prevent blood clots.

The last picture on the left is the ice brace and ice container.  You fill the container with ice and it pumps cold water up through your hip with two tubes.  30 minutes off, 30 minutes on constantly. 

Who said this isn't going to be fun???

Now What???

Well, it's been a long time, but Mexico called and I had to listen.  Now I'm back and it's been back to reality this week - well, sorta.  I just "sat" at my desk all week because my boss thought it would be silly for me to dig back into my desk with me being out again next week.  Woo hoo!!!  Easy, but boring week!

Anyway, before leaving for Mexico I had to have a physical to clear me for surgery.  I had to get an EKG (which I did not know I had to) and the EKG reading came out funny.  So the doctor says, "I think the lead probably wasn't on right or something and I'm pretty sure it's ok."  Well, I was nervous, so of course I looked everything up that I could on the internet like some kind of junkie needing a fix.  I read that an EKG can give a bad reading if the lead isn't on right, if there is noise in the room, if you get nervous, etc.  Okay, I was rationalizing with myself that them telling me I had to have an EKG freaked me out and the kid was with me in the room acting up, but of course I immediately scheduled a follow up EKG for after I returned from Mexico.  I couldn't let it go. (I know, I hold on to things too much and let them really drive me nuts).

Anyway...the day after the first EKG the doc calls and says she wants to send me for a heart ultrasound.  WTF?  I thought I wasn't supposed to worry?  Well, needless to say, when she called I was on the way out of town and had to wait until yesterday to get the ultrasound done.  Naturally, it ate away at me for a week and a half.

I went yesterday and the guy couldn't tell me yes or no, but in the end he winked at me (and I'm sure it wasn't for a date) and told me, "Good luck with your surgery on Monday."  I'm assuming then, that the ultrasound was fine?  I think I'll hear from the doctor tomorrow but I'm guessing I really should settle down (which probably will not happen until after surgery on Monday).

The MedSource guy came and delivered the "equipment" that I will need post-op.  Pictures will be posted tomorrow.  I'm too lazy to dig out my camera, take and upload pics tonight.  But let me just say, this is getting less and less funny (not like it EVER was funny, but still.).

Sold!

We went to the new church last night.  The kid was sold 30 seconds after arriving.  She got to pick a piece of candy in the kids program for being "on time."  And then after church they had cups of free popcorn.  Obviously, she's taken cue from me, nothing comes between her and food! 

The church was okay.  The head pastor came and talked to me and two other women (mostly because of the kids program), but hey?  Can't complain, that makes 3 more people than who spoke to me after a year of attending the other church.  Plus there were some people that live in my community, so it pulls attendance not just within it's own community (which was how the other church was).  I like that.

I think the church will be okay, it was a little different.  I think I need to give it a chance.  The kid loved it and has made it clear that that is where she wants to go.  The only thing that I didn't like was that they seemed to clap a little bit more than what I'm used to.  I'm not a church clapper...blame it on my strict Catholic upbringing.

So for now we are going to continue trying this church....and maybe I will get the guts to get "involved"???

I've Got It Together...I Think

I think I've got it together.  I went for my second opinion this morning and needless to say, I just do not have good luck.  The doctor tells me, "yeah, you have that tear, but I think there is something wrong with your back and that's what's causing the pain.  I want you to get an MRI and put an epidural injection in your back."  Would not even discuss my hip until he "treats" my back. 

First of all, I already know I have a Lower 4&5 disc herniation.  I've already seen doctors about that.  Second of all, that is not what is causing the pain/tear in my hip - duh.  Third of all there is no way in hell someone is sticking a giant needle in my spine or operating.  I choose not to take that risk of paralyzation.  Fourth, I discussed the herniated discs w/the first doctor and he confirmed that the disc herniation does not have anything to do with the hip JOINT.

The doctor did not answer any of my questions.  Would not even discuss the hip.  I was pissed.  I told him he just wasted my time and I left the appointment.

Soooo, with that being said, I am going ahead with the other doctor (he's the top doc too) and the bitchy nurse.  I will just deal with it and get it fixed.  I want a fix, not something that is going to mask the pain.  When I have to get the other hip done, I will go see the same doctor in his other office location.  Other office location = different nurse. 

I received the paperwork and I made all of the calls supposedly necessary.  Everyone I called to set up my PT and the machines to be delivered to the house was very nice and they explained to me that NO, I do not need to do anything in regard to calling insurance, etc.  They take care of all of that.  Obviously, his nurse needs to be educated.  So I feel a little better (would be 100% if he got rid of his nurse, but hey, I can't have everything, can I?)

So doomsday is set...August 23rd.

Other good news is now I definitely have someone to take the kid to and from school.  The afterschool part was covered because her friend's dad was able to pick her up, it was the getting there that had me very concerned.  I went to hand over my rent check last night and gave the landlady the check for Sept. 1 too since I'll be laid up.  She asked why and I told her and then she volunteered to take her to school for as long as I will need!!!!  So sweet.

Now I have to work on getting to PT.  Two of my co-workers have volunteered to take turns doing so.  We just need an agreement from my boss for them to be able to leave work, etc. to help me out.  I kind of breeched the subject with her this morning and I think, I think (fingers, toes and eyes crossed) that she is going to let them do it!

Finally, I think I got it together on the church front.  I just cut myself completely away from church.  No more pastor or other people from my church on my FB page (which they requested after I coached basketball but then never talked to me after that?  WTF?), stopped following the blog cuz what do I care?  And do I really need to read another posting about giving them $180/month?  And have officially decided that I'm not going back and the kid has also been coerced into going to a "way cooler" church.  So this Saturday night we are going to go to service at the new church.  I'm so far loving the fact that they have a 5pm Saturday service.  Good-bye Sunday mornings...or should I say hello!  It's good to have you back my Sunday mornings???

Things may just start progressing okay and work out afterall.  Panic attack has been put off.  Ask me how I feel about things August 22nd.

When I do something

I do it big.  The more I talked about the doctor's office w/my co-worker this morning the more irritated I got.  I have a second opinion appt. tomorrow with a new doc.  And as an added bonus, his nurse was soooo super nice to me on the phone!

We shall see.  My boss is going to kill me...eventually!  LOL.

No More Guilt

Couldn't sleep last night so I did a bit of research and have found a church, I think, based on the website information, that we will enjoy.  I talked to the kid this morning and it didn't take much convincing.  As soon as I said it was more like "grandpas" church and they had Saturday evening service so we didn't have to get up so early on Sunday she was sold.  Yes!

So we will see.  I'm keeping an open mind and really hoping this works out for us.  They have a lot of ministeries, including a singles group for 30+ers...so if I get up the guts I may check it out. 

Stay tuned!

Blog n' (massive) Bitch

Blog n' Bitch...to my credit it's been quite a while.  Tonight I have two things I'm really bitching about, I'm fed up!

First, before I got home tonight I still had not received any information in regard to surgery, physical therapy, the doctor order for a physical and blood work, etc.  So naturally, me being "anal me" that always has to have everything organized, planned and scheduled started to freak out.  I decided yesterday that if I didn't receive anything in the mail yesterday I would call the office today.  I called and find out the doctor's nurse (who is a major class A bitch by the way) is out of the office until Monday.  Well, I got on two weeks vacation then and I wanted to have everything ready before I'm out of the office.  So there is supposed to be this other nurse covering for her.  He calls me back and tells me he "just can't do anything for me because he has to have her get everything together and he doesn't know anything."  UMMMM, EXCUSE ME?  Do I NOT have a chart????  I know how to spell LAZY - wonder if he does?  I was so mad.  Of course, I vented to my boss (who has been through hell and back with her son and the medical field) and she helped me rationalize the situation, which she is very good at.  She walked me through calling them again and exactly what to say and what to do, etc.  My emotions and frustration get in the way really quickly with this type of stuff, so it was very helpful to have her guide me a bit.  I called back and would not let them off the phone until I got what I wanted and needed. 

Anyway, I come to find out that they will NOT send a physical therapist to the house.  I'm just expected to be at physical therapy the day after surgery for the following 5 days straight and then 3xs a week for 4-26 weeks.  All very easily said, but not so much done.  How in the hell am I going to get there when I am prohibited from driving?  I mean, seriously.  I was challenging them and the nurse tells me that it's because the doctor has to be on sight incase they over extend something or tear something, etc.  Uh, are they not experienced?  Or am I going to have some clown working on me?  Anyway, then Physical Therapy calls me to set up the appts. and I start challenging them about it and I'm told it's because the insurance will not cover home therapy because the surgery is out-patient.  So which reason is it?

Right now I'm so irritated with them that I want to tell them to fuck off.  The rational side of me says that I have an excellent doctor (working for a shit-faced organization) that knows what he is doing and has a very good track record, that I should not waste time and money to go to another doctor to battle it out with when this is all set and the date is in stone at this point, but the short patience'd side of me really wants to tell them to shove it.  Organizing a surgery simply cannot be this difficult and frustrating!!!!

Second point to bitch about tonight is church.  I didn't know where else to turn to ask for help so I contacted my pastor directly.  That was 5 days ago and I know he's been online since.  I've gotten no response.  I've had issues with the church already not responding like when I offered to serve, or just being cliquey, which irritated me but I kept trying to give it a chance.  Well, I'm done.  I'm not going back.  I don't understand how he can get up there every week and preach but not practice what he preaches.  To not even offer a response, such as let me check, let me get back to you, nothing.  No acknowledgement, nothing...how very "Christian" of a "Christian" pastor  Okay, yes, I'm totally pissed, quite possibly slightly bitter.  There is nothing more that pisses me off than those who preach religion and can't practice.  (I'm by no means perfect, but I'm not up on a soap box every week either).  That's gotta be pet peeve #1 on my list...then maybe Chicago/Jersey drivers, ha ha.

Another turning point in regard to this church was this weekend when the pastor had two people talk about how much money they give the church and how much we need to change.  Then the pastor got up and said that we should each be donating $180.00/month to the church?  I'm sorry, what???????  While I understand the need to "advise" the congregation of the financial standing (Hello?  After all I was raised Catholic!  I was used to those few "homilies" every year about money), I under no circumstance will be told how much I should be giving to a church.  (Maybe I didn't give "enough" to warrant a response to my request for help?  Hmmm...that thought does cross my mind)  Does my pastor know what kind of bills I have?  Does he know how much I make?  What my finances look like?  That speech got under my skin and ate at my bones.  I was pretty livid.

So all in all, time to find a new church and stop bitching about the old one, right?  I just have one issue.  Guilt.  The kid loves the kids program there and has a good time with the other kids.  I'm trying to rationalize it within that she is a total social butterfly and easily makes friends wherever we go, so it won't be difficult for her.  After all, it's not like she has play dates and stuff with church kids.  She sees them and has fun when we go, that's the extent of it.  I have to keep telling myself to get over it...it really should not be a big deal, right?

Now I've googled "Christian" "Non-denominational" churches in the area, however there really aren't any.  It seems like in Wisconsin you can go anywhere and find one, but here there are a ton of Lutheran and Catholic churches within the vicinity.  I really do not and am not prepared to return to the Catholic faith.  I want to find a Christian church.  The one that would be within a willing driving distance is ginormous and I really don't think I'm ready to face something on that scale.  I may just be doing some church hopping or limping (ha, ha) around for the next month or so?

What We Don't Need To Know

I've decided I'm very much like my dad in the need to know sense.  He hates computers and has a coniption (sp?) if something goes wrong.  So I always get the call to go fix it while he sweats it out.  He doesn't need or want to know what was wrong or how I fixed it so long as it gets fixed.  I feel the same way about surgery. 

Still freaking out...wish I didn't know the things I know and wondering if this is going to continue to eat away at me for the next 27 days???

Flippin' Hip

Okay, I think I'm ready to blog about this.  I'm having hip surgery next month...not a hip replacement because the doctor is afraid that with lupus, it will not be well-received in my body.  So he is going to try to reconstruct the massively torn (almost non-existent) labrum.  I don't know what he is going to do about the frayed/split socket (due to the torn labrum).  When I went for my results, I was really okay and ready to accept having a hip surgery.  I really didn't think it would be a big deal based on a past discussion with the doc.  Looking back at the first appointment, I guess it wasn't really discussed "in depth" at that time because we didn't know exactly what would need to be done before the MRI Arthrogram.

Well, it was discussed in depth at this appointment...wayyyyy too in depth.  Details I wish weren't discussed.  Details I would have done fine not knowing.  Apparently, he has to pop my pelvic bone all the way to the side and a huge nerve will be sticking out and then they stick a bar between your legs to hold you in that position.  I needed to know that?  What happened to "we're going to make an incision here and fix it for you?"  I could have lived with that.  Well, since Thursday, I have lost 6 lbs.   I have been a nervous wreck thinking about it thanks to the graphic picture the doctor has drawn in my head.  (Can I help it I'm a visual person?) 

I'm worried about everything considering I will be pretty immobile.  No driving, no stairs, no nothing.  I get several pieces of medical equipment delivered to my house, braces for my hips and legs and some other machine.  I'm FREAKING OUT!  I have a zillion questions.  It's not easy being here with the kid by myself.  Who is going to drive her to and from school?  Who's going to pack her lunches?  Cook dinner?  Do the laundry?  How am I going to get to physical therapy?  Who's going to mow the lawn?  How am I going to get to the bathroom?  Shower?  Who's going to buy the groceries?  I feel like I might just go crazy this time.  When I had the hysterectomy I could pretty well fare on my own.  I was able to move and get around, do things (even though I probably shouldn't have) and stuff, but what am I going to do with no hip???

Where in the hell am I going to find the help I need??????????????????

Random Twisted Thoughts

1. I just saw a picture of the first love of my life and he's getting gray.  I wonder if when people see me they think I "look old."  Most likely, probably just fat.
2. Who's gonna do the laundry, pack lunches and do the dishes?
3. How the hell am I going to get in the shower if I'm not supposed to move?
4. It irritates the crap out of me when people constantly push on their brakes when there is no one infront of them?  What are they afraid of?  That air is going to jump out infront of them and dent their car?
5. Is anyone EVER going to talk to me at church?....um, when I go. (I did today - miracle, right?)
6. Does the kid's friend think I'm nuts?  Do I really care?  At least she has a good time when she's here.  I can't help it that I act like I'm 12 and still like to play.
7. I don't want to have THE conversation with my boss tomorrow.
8. You'd think with all the surgeries I have had to have in the past year, one of these times someone would have been kind enough to reach in and grab a little extra (ahem...fat) and remove that as well.  I mean, what am I paying these people for???
9. Walk.  Don't run.
10. After this hip thing, I will never complain again that the kid hates sports.
11. The knees are probably next.
12. I hate Facebook, but yet I have an account?
13. I had two kids all weekend and the second started calling me "mom."  Time to go home.
14. I can't wait for fall sweeps.  Not having cable kind of sucks in the summer.  Guess that means I'm supposed to be outside or somethin'.
15. I need Football.

Freaking Out

I'm totally freaking out about tomorrow.  I have to go have an MRI/Arthrogram done on my hip...which means they will be sticking a big ass needle into the hip joint.  Just thinking about it makes me dry heave.  Can you imagine how long that needles gotta be to get through my fat????

Strike

Every morning for the past week I drive by these asshole construction workers that have decided to go on strike because "they aren't paid enough."  So they sit in the road, under an umbrella shooting the shit and drinking coffee.  I want to spit my gum at them and swear at them every time I drive by.  Stupid assholes...being greedy while we have a 9.5% national unemployment rate (10.8% in the state I live). 

I wish they'd run these assholes off the road and pay someone who is willing to work and give anything for a job right now.

Camping

The kid has been begging me to take her camping for the past two years...something I've been putting off and putting off.  Okay, camping is not exactly my idea of fun.  So I finally got a tent, set one up in the yard last night and invited her friends over.  We had a campfire and made smores, which they loved.  Then we played hide-n-seek in the dark, which they also loved.  Finally, it was time to go to bed, so they brought games and books out to the tent.  They stayed in it about an hour and then I heard the back door creak open.  The kid walked into my room with this panicked look on her face and said, "Uh, mom...We just CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE OUT THERE!!!!" 

I was laughing so hard because can you imagine if I really took her camping?  At the same time I was soooo relieved that she didn't like it because that leaves me TOTALLY off the hook!  (Today I asked her what her thoughts were of her first camping experience and she goes, "I HATED IT!  I never want to do that again...I mean sleep in a tent...but can we still make smores?")

So I went back to bed and told them to go to bed.  12:30 in the morning comes around and I wake up to a little face staring at me.  The kid says, "Mom, where are my bras?  Oh, by the way, it's 12:34 in the morning."  SERIOUSLY????  They wanted to dress up in their bras at 12:30 am????  And they woke me up to do it?  I told her to go to bed and rolled over.  Well, this morning MY bras were all over the living room.  I guess that's what I get for leaving out a basket of laundry. 

What an interesting night and exhausting day...I'm ready for bed already!!!!

A Whole New World

I'm entering into a whole new world.  I've kind of noticed that the kid's body is starting to change, but I haven't pointed it out to her.  No need to...this morning she walked into my room and said, "Mom, I think it's time I get a bra."  Well, ok.  I thought what would one of those little chemisie-type things hurt.  So I take her to Walmart where I've seen the Hannah Montana ones.  She's standing in the aisle looking at her choices and walks up to a padded, underwire bra that a 13 year old would wear and goes, "I choose this one."  Ha!  I had to explain to her that those were for older girls with a little bit more there.  Her excuse was, "But mom, I want a bra just like you!  I want to be just like you."  She finally settled on one shaped like mine, but cute cotton pattern for little girls.

Then I tell her that she has to carry it in the store and she did not want to do that.  She was so embarrassed.  I still made her carry it because I had other things in my hands.  So what does she do?  Balls the bras up in her palm as tiny as she can get them the entire time we were shopping!

We got home and I was strictly sworn that I had to keep my mouth shut...uh, huh - like that's going to happen.  (God Bless the internet!).  She went swimming with a girl today and packed her bag and when I checked to make sure everything was in it, I didn't see her bra.  I asked her about it and she goes, "Oh yeah, it's on the bottom in the towel." 

Anyway, I wasn't allowed to tell her friend who's now over tonight and just a while ago she comes out and goes, "Jill knows!"  I said oh, ok and Jill just acts like it's no big deal.  "Yup, I have one too, and so does my sister."  I guess the kid is over her embarrassment.  I certainly never expected her to be embarrassed about it.  It was kind of funny.

These next couple of years are going to be very interesting...

How Am I Ever Gonna Sleep Tonight???

Okay, I totally feel like I'm 12, but I am so excited.  It's been a loooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg time.  I met someone for a date tonight.  We met for dinner at a good Chinese restaurant and ate and talked for 3 hours.  It was great.  There weren't any awkward moments of silence, nothing.  When we first met outside the restaurant he kissed my cheek and said it was nice to meet me.  I thought that was kind of sweet, I'm a sucker.  After dinner we walked over to a bar establishment for a drink.  Turned out they had karaoke (sp?) tonight and so we sat and talked and laughed and watched the people singing and then he walked me back to my car.

At my car he gave me a kiss on my cheek good night and told me he had a good time and would like to see me again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Okay, I really did have a great time tonight and the man was such a gentleman.  I'm excited.  Even if it doesn't turn into anything in the long run, I had a date, I had a good time and maybe it sounds a little funny, but at least I know that tonight I was still be "dateable."  Yay!

Baby steps...

More Needles?

Is it fair to say that after spending 3 hours at the doctor this morning I'm really not in the mood to go on my date tonight?  I wonder if I have a good chance of him cancelling????

It looks like more surgery is in the works - ugh.

OMG!

Okay, OMG, OMG, OMG!  I have a dinner date tomorrow.  This guy emailed me on the site I'm on and I emailed him back and said, "sure let's meet."  Who needs all the stalker bullshit, right?  So I can just meet him and know right away?  Then we exchanged numbers and talked tonight.  He asked me about my profile how I said I didn't want any more kids (because his says he does) and I explained to him that I had cancer and cannot physically have any more children but would be open to adoption/foster care....and he still wants to meet!!!!  Good news is I didn't freak him out...bad new is, could he be a freak?  LOL.  He even said he appreciated my honesty.  So, I'm can't help but question myself, did he still agree to have dinner just to be nice or could he still be interested?  Who would waste money on a dinner he's not interested in?  I wouldn't, but I'm stubborn.  I know, I should just accept it as it is and go on about however, but I don't want to be completely naive.  Okay, but seriously, he really did sound like a nice person on the phone.  I actually enjoyed talking to him.

So we will see...but hell, I HAVE A FREAKING DATE!!!!

Hallelujah, it's raining men, hallelujah!!!!

I Have to Remember This...someday

Last night the kid asked about pantiliners I had in the bathroom closet and I had to go into the whole "period" talk.  So I tell her that one day she'll have to wear the pad in her pants once a month because when she becomes a teenager she will get her period.  And she says, "What's that?"  So I tell her she'll bleed once a month from there.  And she goes, "That's disgusting.  Why in the world would I want to do that?  What's that for?"  Well now, what to tell a 7 year old?  Surely I could not make something up or lie because I know at this age it'll come back and bite me right in the ass....so I tell her, "Well, your body is preparing you for becoming a woman so that when you are MARRIED (strongly enforced) and are ready to have a baby, when you're MARRIED, your body will be ready."  She goes, "Well, what comes out in that blood?"  So I tell her her body will produce eggs and that's the body's way of getting them out.  Her eyes get really, really big and she goes, "OMG MOM!  You mean I'm going to lay an egg?  How long do I have to sit on it for?"

I almost died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Serious Heart Attack

Okay, so Friday I went up to Milwaukee and stopped in to see friends.  The girl is going to college this year at a state school and told me it would cost $20.000.00 a year.  I almost had a heart attack.  I thought she was exaggerating, but apparently not.  I just looked up tuition at the state college here and for a year it is $24,000.00.  I know, I shouldn't panic about it because my kid has at least another 10 years to go...but if it's $24K now, what is it going to be in 10 years?  I am seriously having a heart attack.  How can anyone afford to go to school??????????????

I know there are loans, etc., but I'm kind of hoping that she doesn't have to do that.  I was fortunate enough that my father could pay for my schooling and I was really wanting to do the same thing for the kid.  What an advantage it was to start off after college and not be hounded by debt. 

OMG, what the hell am I going to do???? (besides cry)

Update

Okay, an update because I can see I'm going to need guidance.  The guy that stopped IMing me last night got back on and tried IMing me again...but like I'm going to wait around?  I went to bed.

This other guy emailed me and we were just now chatting for a bit.  Thank God that I have a kid to use as an excuse (even if she is gone for the weekend!).  He started IMing me that he's fun and "very, very open minded."  That started to freak me out because he said it three times and told me that not everyone is like that.  So just what did he have in mind?  Threesomes?  Yoga poses?  Yes, I know my mind goes immediately to some perversion because that is what you always hear about and I'm super cautious and paranoid about meeting someone like that.  No thanks, not what I'm looking for.  So I used the excuse that I had to go make breakfast for the kid...he kept IMing me and wanted pictures.  I just closed the IM and blocked him.

So...was I overreacting?  Or playing it smart???

Dating: Take Two

Alright, so after my freaky stalker dude, I had taken my profile off the site and ended that.  Now I don't know what's gotten into me tonight, but I decided to try another site.  I did my whole profile thing, including a photo (yikes) and actually joined for three months.  I hated to do it, but well, let's give it a try.  My way of thinking is that I should not have to pay to meet someone, but at the rate I'm going, I'll be rolling over in my grave and greeting a bag of bones before I ever get a date!  So I give myself three months to become more outgoing and try to meet somone.  This is sooooooooooo out of the box for me....sooooooo far past my comfort zone that I may just cry if I ever do even get a date!!!  (Let's just say I'm not really counting my chickens, but one can dream!)

Anyway, a guy emailed me tonight that lives in the community.  His profile pic is cute.  I emailed him back and then we started IMing and then it stopped.  WTF?  I don't know what I said because I didn't say much...maybe that was the problem?  Well, we'll see...I have a hard enough time being "social," I can only imagine how it's going to go with complete strangers.

Why am I so awkward?  Does it ever get better?

Click

After a little push from my pen pal, I finally picked up my good camera for the first time since surgery.  Yesterday I went to the Milwaukee Bontanical Gardens and I did some shooting.  Nothing impressive, but I picked up the camera and enjoyed it - somewhat...don't know how soon I'll do it again?

Anyway, I got with the times and opened a Flickr account, which I've linked to the blog (on the right hand side of my home page)...so enjoy.

www.flickr.com/spoonsluvme

Perspective Punch

I've been feeling really down again...and it's because three of my friends are pregnant and I want my damn uterus back.  Okay, so I've psyched myself out trying to act tough on the outside like I didn't care that I could never have a child again.  I told everyone I couldn't imagine starting over, that I didn't want anymore kids...but in reality, I've always wanted to have a lot of kids - um, like 6 to be exact.  But I can't anymore.  Now, let me be straight, I'm very, very happy for my pregnant friends, but at the same time I can't help but feel this loss.  I don't know how to explain it.  I LOVED being pregnant (weird, maybe?  but hasn't that already been established???).  Anyway, the fact is I have to deal with not being able to physically have any more children, and I keep trying to ask myself, is it the fact that I can't have another baby or is it the fact that my "baby" is growing older and no longer needs me/wants to be around me as much?  Exactly which loss is at that I'm having trouble with???  Is it fair to say both?

Anyway, like I've said, I've been feeling really super down.  Second guessing everything, the choices I've made, etc.  I went home today.  I just needed to take off and go "home."  I had a very good day but was punched in the face by perspective.  And I have to admit, I needed a good smack-down.  My BFF from high school's mom said to me, "See?  There was a reason that you married him and had to go through all that trouble because if you wouldn't have you would have never had that experience of physically being pregnant and having a child."  I know that, and that's what I keep telling myself...

But then I was driving back home tonight and on Route 12 these police cars come with their lights on and sirens blaring and after them a motorcade of cycles with the flags.  They were escorting a dead soldier home from the war...and that's really where perspective gave me a black eye.  I've seen several of these motorcades passing by where I live and every time it makes me cry.  What do I have to be selfish for?  Why should I feel sorry for myself?  What right do I have to be sad?  To mourn some part of my body when I already have a child?  A healthy, happy child?  Someone tonight lost their mother or father, son or daughter, their wife or husband, their sister or brother from fighting a senseless, selfish war. 

I need to stop.  I need to be grateful that I can still go home, that I have a dad that loves me, that I have friends who welcome me home when I've been gone for 10 years, that it can all fall back into place after such a long time, that I have a healthy, happy child, that I beat cancer and it didn't beat me, that I was alive today to see the sunset, that I could see the herons flying over the bog...

It's all about perspective, and I need to change mine, get out of this funk and be grateful that I saw and lived today.

Debbie Downer Kind of Day

Okay, so the elliptical has been staring at me and taunting me for the past week and half because I've been sick again.  And I have been staring back at it with a "fuck off" kind of look.  At least it hasn't become a clothes rack, right?

I'm so sick of being sick.  I finally made myself go for a walk tonight.  Only 1.5 miles in 30 minutes, but at least I did something...even if I did come home pissed off because I didn't push myself any farther.  Whatever, I just have to keep arguing with myself that I did SOMETHING. 

Anyway, after my walk I came home and took a delicious chocolate cherry liquor bubble bath.  The only thing about that was that I lit candles and turned on some sappy radio station (thanks Delilah!)...boy did I feel like I was in some bad Jennifer Aniston movie! 

Eh, maybe tomorrow will be better...at least it's the last day of work for the week.  Thank God for four day weekends!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who's That Lady???

The kid thinks that stupid Swiffer mop commercial is so funny when they sing, "Who's that lady? Sexy lady." And she goes around the house singing it and changing the lyrics accordingly. So this morning she sings, "Who's that mommy? Sexy mommy." And I say to her, "Do you know what sexy means?" "Yeah mom, it means "hot." " So I egg her on and say, "So you have a hot mom?" And she goes, "Ewwww, that's disgusting. Mom's are NOT hot they CANNOT be hot! They are pretty. You're a pretty mama!"

So Seriously....Does that mean I have the sex appeal of a mop?????

I'm just sayin', my life according to a 7 year old...someone hand me a kleenex box or two...

Easily Amused

I made Pasta Primavera tonight...and let me just ask, just how cool (or dorky) is it to love getting to go into my own herb garden and pick fresh basil, parsly and chives to cook with????

Just My Luck

So I go to dad's church today since we were up visiting him...whatever, make the man happy for an hour, right?  (I'm not feeling church anymore, really!).  Anyway, you have to shake hands and say good morning and this hot guy turns around and shakes my hand and I'm thinking, "ummmm, possibilities..."  (YES!  I know, I WAS in church!!!) 

30 second later his smokin' hot size 2 wife comes in...just my luck.

Seven Wonders of the World

So I'm going to go see the Mayan Ruins in Mexico.  I'm so excited.  I was doing a little research on the trip cuz I'm anal like that and come to find out that it is one of the seven wonders of the world (from the new list they recently formed)...which means after I go there, I will have officially seen two (Machu Picchu being the first).  I started googling the seven wonders and this is what I've come up with.

Soooo, I've seen lots of the seven wonders of the world that no one can agree on.  Pretty awesome!  I LOVE TRAVELING!!!!

The Seven Wonders of the Medieval Mind - seen one
Stonehenge - was there in 2000
The Colosseum
The Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa
The Great Wall of China
The Porcelain Tower of Nanjing
The Hagia Sophia
The Leaning Tower of Pisa

The Seven Underwater Wonders of the World - seen none
Palau
The Belize Barrier Reef
The Galapagos Islands
The Northern Red Sea
Lake Baikal
The Great Barrier Reef
The Deep Sea Vents

The Seven Wonders of the Modern World - seen three
The Empire State Building - was there in 2009
The Itaipú Dam
The CN Tower - there in 1988
The Panama Canal
The Channel Tunnel - was there and in it in 1996
The North Sea Protection Works
The Golden Gate Bridge

The Seven Forgotten Natural Wonders of the World - seen one
Angel Falls
The Bay of Fundy
Iguaçú Falls
Krakatoa Island
Mount Fuji
Mount Kilimanjaro
Niagara Falls - was there in 1988

The Seven Forgotten Modern Wonders of the World - seen three, working on four
The Clock Tower (Big Ben)  - was there in 1996 & 2000
Eiffel Tower - was there in 1996
The Gateway Arch - was there in 1988 & 2001
The Aswan High Dam
Hoover Dam
Mount Rushmore National Memorial - planning a trip there next year
The Petronas Towers

The Seven Forgotten Wonders of the Medeival Mind  - seen none
Abu Simbel Temple
Angkor Wat
Taj Mahal
Mont Saint-Michel
The Moai Statues
The Parthenon
The Shwedagon Pagoda

The Forgotten Wonders - seen two, going to add another this year
The Aztec Temple
The Banaue Rice Terraces
The Borobudur Temple
The Inca City - was there in 1998
The Statue of Liberty - was there in 2009
The Mayan Temples - going to see it soon!!
The Temple of the Inscriptions
The Throne Hall of Persepolis
Petra
The Suez Canal
The Sydney Opera House
The Red Fort in India

The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World - seen none.

The Great Pyramid of Giza
The Hanging Gardens of Babylon
The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
The Statue of Zeus at Olympia
The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus
The Colossus of Rhodes
The Pharos of Alexandria