Big Decisions, Big Fears

I had a big decision to make today, and I made it - I think. 

These past two weeks I've had a huge lupus flare-up.  I had a bright red butterfly rash across my cheeks and nose and then my skin just started to fall off my face.  I got pissed off enough to find a dermatologist and go see him.  The guy had the worst bedside manner, but ended up giving me a steroid/anti-inflammatory cream for my face.  He also recommended what to wash my face with and what to moisturize with.  Today my rash is still there, although definitely not as red, and my face no longer looks like something I could exfoliate my feet with.  For that I am grateful...I can't tell you how humiliating it is to go to work like that.  Vain as I may sound, I feel disgusting.  It's hard to feel pretty.

The other problem is that lupus affects your joints.  My knees are terrible.  When I walk up the stairs you can hear a sound coming from them that sounds like something is tearing.  They hurt.  I can't get off the floor if I sit down.  In addition, it hurts to get up and down out of a chair.  They make terrible popping, cracking and tearing noises.  The pain in horrible...and it gets worse with flare-ups.  Other joints that are affected are my ankles and wrists.  I had an x-ray on my wrist after the cancer surgery because I ended up with a blood clot in that hand.  The clot dissapated by itself, however the x-ray showed that I had severe arthritis, and I quote the doctor's words, "Someone your age should never have that much arthritis showing in their wrist already."  Well now, that's reassuring.

Today I couldn't take it anymore.  I was so frustrated and at a loss of what to do.  I keep seeing and hearing commercials about Rush Medical being one of the top Orthopedic hospitals/doctors in the nation.  I looked them up and considering they are one of the top 10 and the closest of the top 10 to me, I went and made an appointment. 

I know it shouldn't have been a difficult decision to make, but for me it was.  I think the reason it is is because I don't want to walk away feeling like I've wasted my time and a day off of work.  I don't want to walk away feeling helpless/hopless.  I don't want to walk away with them telling me my option is physical therapy (which I have been through TWICE with no progress) or injections, which to me are not an option.  Personal preference.  So you're thinking, well, if that's her option and she says no to injections it's me I'm letting down?  I can't do an injection, I would probably vomit all over the nurse!  And on top of that, I don't want that crap in my body.  I want a fix, not a cover up.  I want a cure.  I want a miracle!  I want this doctor to wave her magic wand and make it all better.  A bandaid just isn't going to cut it.

My appointment is in 3 weeks and I really don't want to go.  I'm scared.  I'm scared to go in there alone.  I'm scared about what they are going to say.  I'm scared about how far this has progressed.  I'm scared that there is no hope.

I don't want to die and not have enjoyed my life.  I don't want to be unable to do the things on my "bucket list."  I am not the person I once was and I want that person back.  I'm pissed.

I don't want to have lupus.  I don't want to have cancer.  If I were 5 I would be on the floor kicking and screaming right now, throwing the ultimate of temper tantrums and proving to be the ultimate drama queen....but I'm not, I'm 32 and I'm not willing to live with limitations.

Well, that's all for my brutal honesty and probably when I look back at this I will realize what a fool I am to share, but such is life....at least I'm not on the Bachelor!
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Let's have a little fun because Lupus isn't.

Ten jobs that I would love to have: 
1.  Zookeeper  2.  News Anchor (ahem Barbara Walters) 3.  Teacher  4.  Peace Corp Worker  5.  Travel Channel Writer  6.  Chef  7.  Author  8. Singer  9.  Tour Guide  10.  Disaster Relief Worker

Ten people I would love to meet:  (dead or alive)
1.  John Corbett  2. Barbara Walters  3. Tim McGraw  4. Angelina Jolie  5. Mother Teresa  6. Bill Clinton 7.  Mariska Hagarty  8.  Amelia Earhart  9.  Ellen DeGeneres  10.  Gabriela Mistral
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I'm not even going to preach about what I accomplished today because I did the same ol'  same ol'.
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Today I am grateful that my daughter accepted being disciplined (TV privilege) with dignity, maturity and understanding, health insurance, and the way little kids squeeze their eyes real tight when they pray.