I Feel As Sexy As Cold Oatmeal

I thought I'd pass on blogging tonight after my doctor appointment this afternoon, but I'm just sitting here brooding, so why not give it a shot?

I went for my routine lupus check up today and needless to say, it did not check out.  My blood work came back crazy high, which I knew deep down it would, considering the flare-up I had and continue to have these past couple of weeks.  But it's finally getting to my joints.  My knees have been KILLING me, they are swollen and tender.  It hurts to go up stairs, down stairs, sit down, stand up, etc.  I ended up leaving with an x-ray of my knees to see how far arthritis has set in and a steroid to try to calm the flare-up and level off my system again.  This prescription better work!

Of course, thinking about arthritis freaks me out.  I'm usually the only young person I see when I go to this doctor.  The waiting room is filled with elderly persons on walkers, canes and sometimes wheelchairs.  So that is the first thing I think, "OMG!  I don't want to be 40 and walking with a cane!!!!"  I know, drama queen!  But isn't it human nature to think the worst?  And to make matters worse, I went back to work and start googling everything...damn the internet!

X-ray results will be back by Friday but she's already talking physical therapy, which I'm not thrilled about.  The one thing that did please me was that she did not think that shots were going to help and she did not want to go that route.  Per my previous post, I am dead set against shots, so that made me happy.  In the meantime, I went straight away to work and was looking at aquatic arthritis classes.  Hmmmm...do I have the guts to attend one?  I think I can rangle some up in order to avoid the decrepit picture I have in my head of myself at 40. 

Now what do I do about the appointment I made at Rush? I was thinking about cancelling it, but was going to wait for the x-ray results. But then I argue that I should keep it and get a second opinion...after all, the lady I'm seeing is one of the top in the US. What if she has something different to say? Or can treat it more aggressively and fix things faster? Or keep it more stable in the long run? The common sense side of me says to keep the appointment, the lazy, 'I don't want to go downtown' part of me wants to cancel it. I should probably listen to my common sense...the little devil.

So now that I am coming to an end, what am I feeling?  Pissed off.  Selfish.  Scared.  I don't want to be like this.  I don't want to deal with this.  I'm frustrated.  But then I say to myself, 'you are so selfish, there are people a lot worse off out there.'  I mean, (and yes, here I go with the drama) there are a lot of people worse off.  Our soldiers are losing their limbs fighting a senseless war, children are born addicted to cocaine, people are starving, living in filth...and I'm dealing with arthritis and lupus.  Sounds selfish, doesn't it?  I'm beginning to wonder if I am even entitled to feel angry or scared or frustrated?