What You Believe...

I actually wrote down something from church this weekend.  One thing.  And I never write anything, but I felt so compelled by this one sentence my pastor said because I wanted to think about that some more.  He said, and I quote, "What your believe about God will determine how you live your life."  I totally disagree.

A little background:  I was raised strict Roman Catholic.  It was always a constant battle between my parents and me.  I hated church, I wanted nothing to do with it.  I constantly questioned what they taught us.  I hated the boring CCD classes where if you so much as smiled you were damned.  I hated the hypocrites I saw every Sunday that would act like they were holier than thou but if someone really truly needed help they were out the door faster than you could blink.  I hated how the priest's sermon would be about money and not the Gospel.  Then he would decide we needed to build a bigger and better church with the money he collected instead of even giving a percentage to a homeless shelter or soup kitchen for example.  I was the rebel child who volunteered in homeless shelters, domestic violence shelters and with disadvantaged inner-city children as a teenager and young adult.  That was where I thought real Catholics & Christians should be.  Going to church didn't and doesn't make you a good Catholic/Christian.

Even today, though as an adult I no longer fight about it with my parents, I now struggle with a constant internal battle.  My father is extremely religious, although now he says he learned about many things that aren't "right" with the Catholic church and he is now Christian.  He is extremely involved in his church.  He is always telling me that God is out there and he's going to make things right, etc.  I try really hard to tie my eyeballs down and not let them wander somewhere up above and around the whites of my eyes. 

I have made several attempts to read the Bible.  In fact before I went in for my cancer surgery, my dad brought me a teaching Bible that would explain things.  I didn't get very far.  I had too many questions and no answers.  I don't do well with not knowing things and when I want to know, I want to know NOW.

If there is a God, why does he create so much suffering?  Why do people lose their children, die in war, take some one else's life, starve, die of AIDS, get sold into child slavery, etc?  What kind of God, that is supposed to be so great, would do that? 

Second, who is going to prove that Jesus existed and performed miracles?  There was no DNA testing then.  Who is going to prove that the Shroud of Turin belonged to Jesus?

Also, there were 5 guys who wrote versus and stories in a big book they called the Bible.  How do we know that they aren't 5 guys who wanted to simply write stories?  Where did God come from?  He's just some voice out of the sky?  Forgive me, I may not have paid very good attention during CCD. 

Third, going back to my old-school Catholic upbringing, God is supposed to be all forgiving, but he's not very accepting.  Gay and lesbian is against what is in the Bible.  Who cares about someone's sexual orientation?  If two people truly love each other and are good to each other, what difference does it make?  How many miserable opposite sex couples are there out there?  How many of those marriages fail?  And according to Catholocism, divorce is a sin.  If two people of the same sex can make it, more power to them.  Why is it so wrong?  Love is love.  Goodness is goodness. 

Fourth, I am not a "bastard" child because my parents are divorced.  My daughter is not a "bastard" child because her father and I am divorced.  If God is all-powerful and all-loving, then I don't believe those things should be in the Bible or interpreted from the Bible.  Am I going to repent on my dying day because I divorced my daughter's father?  Not for a chance...because if I didn't I would have already been dead from his hands.

Just some questions...but back to my pastor's sentence, "What you believe about God will determine how you live your life."  I don't believe this suits my life.  I believe I am a good person (sure, there's PLENTY of room for improvement!).  I believe that you can be a good person without having religion in your life.  It's called being raised with morals.  I suppose one could argue that morals come from the Ten Commandments, as most morals are along those lines.  But I don't think you have to "have religion" to know right from wrong, and to behave as such.

Right now I don't know what I believe about God.  A part of me catches myself going, "Oh God, if this works out I'll go to church every Sunday, or I'll pray every night, or if you really are true then show me."  (I know, a convenient Christian, right?) A part of me also sees so much wrong with the world that I think, "Prove it."  A part of me thinks that maybe it is one big story book and the human race NEEDS something to believe in, and this is it.  A part of me wants to really be a true believer.  A part of me is still rebelious and challenging. 

Finally, what I do know is that I like the church I've found.  I like the pastor there.  I think he gives very good sermons.  They challenge me to think.  They challenge me to believe.  On top of that, his humor is great.  I almost feel comfortable at the church...being that I'm not extremely socially ept.  But when I do sit in church, I feel a peace...even if it is for only an hour....I still feel peace.  Sometimes I wish I could sit there longer...
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Today I am grateful for my beautiful daughter and that's she's not yet embarrassed to give me a hug and kiss good-bye in the morning (as long as it doesn't exceed one or two ;p), that my usual torturous one hour conference call turned out to be only 1/2 hour with no arguments today, one hour lunch breaks where I can kick my feet up and enjoy silence and a good book!