I've Got It Together...I Think

I think I've got it together.  I went for my second opinion this morning and needless to say, I just do not have good luck.  The doctor tells me, "yeah, you have that tear, but I think there is something wrong with your back and that's what's causing the pain.  I want you to get an MRI and put an epidural injection in your back."  Would not even discuss my hip until he "treats" my back. 

First of all, I already know I have a Lower 4&5 disc herniation.  I've already seen doctors about that.  Second of all, that is not what is causing the pain/tear in my hip - duh.  Third of all there is no way in hell someone is sticking a giant needle in my spine or operating.  I choose not to take that risk of paralyzation.  Fourth, I discussed the herniated discs w/the first doctor and he confirmed that the disc herniation does not have anything to do with the hip JOINT.

The doctor did not answer any of my questions.  Would not even discuss the hip.  I was pissed.  I told him he just wasted my time and I left the appointment.

Soooo, with that being said, I am going ahead with the other doctor (he's the top doc too) and the bitchy nurse.  I will just deal with it and get it fixed.  I want a fix, not something that is going to mask the pain.  When I have to get the other hip done, I will go see the same doctor in his other office location.  Other office location = different nurse. 

I received the paperwork and I made all of the calls supposedly necessary.  Everyone I called to set up my PT and the machines to be delivered to the house was very nice and they explained to me that NO, I do not need to do anything in regard to calling insurance, etc.  They take care of all of that.  Obviously, his nurse needs to be educated.  So I feel a little better (would be 100% if he got rid of his nurse, but hey, I can't have everything, can I?)

So doomsday is set...August 23rd.

Other good news is now I definitely have someone to take the kid to and from school.  The afterschool part was covered because her friend's dad was able to pick her up, it was the getting there that had me very concerned.  I went to hand over my rent check last night and gave the landlady the check for Sept. 1 too since I'll be laid up.  She asked why and I told her and then she volunteered to take her to school for as long as I will need!!!!  So sweet.

Now I have to work on getting to PT.  Two of my co-workers have volunteered to take turns doing so.  We just need an agreement from my boss for them to be able to leave work, etc. to help me out.  I kind of breeched the subject with her this morning and I think, I think (fingers, toes and eyes crossed) that she is going to let them do it!

Finally, I think I got it together on the church front.  I just cut myself completely away from church.  No more pastor or other people from my church on my FB page (which they requested after I coached basketball but then never talked to me after that?  WTF?), stopped following the blog cuz what do I care?  And do I really need to read another posting about giving them $180/month?  And have officially decided that I'm not going back and the kid has also been coerced into going to a "way cooler" church.  So this Saturday night we are going to go to service at the new church.  I'm so far loving the fact that they have a 5pm Saturday service.  Good-bye Sunday mornings...or should I say hello!  It's good to have you back my Sunday mornings???

Things may just start progressing okay and work out afterall.  Panic attack has been put off.  Ask me how I feel about things August 22nd.

When I do something

I do it big.  The more I talked about the doctor's office w/my co-worker this morning the more irritated I got.  I have a second opinion appt. tomorrow with a new doc.  And as an added bonus, his nurse was soooo super nice to me on the phone!

We shall see.  My boss is going to kill me...eventually!  LOL.

No More Guilt

Couldn't sleep last night so I did a bit of research and have found a church, I think, based on the website information, that we will enjoy.  I talked to the kid this morning and it didn't take much convincing.  As soon as I said it was more like "grandpas" church and they had Saturday evening service so we didn't have to get up so early on Sunday she was sold.  Yes!

So we will see.  I'm keeping an open mind and really hoping this works out for us.  They have a lot of ministeries, including a singles group for 30+ers...so if I get up the guts I may check it out. 

Stay tuned!

Blog n' (massive) Bitch

Blog n' Bitch...to my credit it's been quite a while.  Tonight I have two things I'm really bitching about, I'm fed up!

First, before I got home tonight I still had not received any information in regard to surgery, physical therapy, the doctor order for a physical and blood work, etc.  So naturally, me being "anal me" that always has to have everything organized, planned and scheduled started to freak out.  I decided yesterday that if I didn't receive anything in the mail yesterday I would call the office today.  I called and find out the doctor's nurse (who is a major class A bitch by the way) is out of the office until Monday.  Well, I got on two weeks vacation then and I wanted to have everything ready before I'm out of the office.  So there is supposed to be this other nurse covering for her.  He calls me back and tells me he "just can't do anything for me because he has to have her get everything together and he doesn't know anything."  UMMMM, EXCUSE ME?  Do I NOT have a chart????  I know how to spell LAZY - wonder if he does?  I was so mad.  Of course, I vented to my boss (who has been through hell and back with her son and the medical field) and she helped me rationalize the situation, which she is very good at.  She walked me through calling them again and exactly what to say and what to do, etc.  My emotions and frustration get in the way really quickly with this type of stuff, so it was very helpful to have her guide me a bit.  I called back and would not let them off the phone until I got what I wanted and needed. 

Anyway, I come to find out that they will NOT send a physical therapist to the house.  I'm just expected to be at physical therapy the day after surgery for the following 5 days straight and then 3xs a week for 4-26 weeks.  All very easily said, but not so much done.  How in the hell am I going to get there when I am prohibited from driving?  I mean, seriously.  I was challenging them and the nurse tells me that it's because the doctor has to be on sight incase they over extend something or tear something, etc.  Uh, are they not experienced?  Or am I going to have some clown working on me?  Anyway, then Physical Therapy calls me to set up the appts. and I start challenging them about it and I'm told it's because the insurance will not cover home therapy because the surgery is out-patient.  So which reason is it?

Right now I'm so irritated with them that I want to tell them to fuck off.  The rational side of me says that I have an excellent doctor (working for a shit-faced organization) that knows what he is doing and has a very good track record, that I should not waste time and money to go to another doctor to battle it out with when this is all set and the date is in stone at this point, but the short patience'd side of me really wants to tell them to shove it.  Organizing a surgery simply cannot be this difficult and frustrating!!!!

Second point to bitch about tonight is church.  I didn't know where else to turn to ask for help so I contacted my pastor directly.  That was 5 days ago and I know he's been online since.  I've gotten no response.  I've had issues with the church already not responding like when I offered to serve, or just being cliquey, which irritated me but I kept trying to give it a chance.  Well, I'm done.  I'm not going back.  I don't understand how he can get up there every week and preach but not practice what he preaches.  To not even offer a response, such as let me check, let me get back to you, nothing.  No acknowledgement, nothing...how very "Christian" of a "Christian" pastor  Okay, yes, I'm totally pissed, quite possibly slightly bitter.  There is nothing more that pisses me off than those who preach religion and can't practice.  (I'm by no means perfect, but I'm not up on a soap box every week either).  That's gotta be pet peeve #1 on my list...then maybe Chicago/Jersey drivers, ha ha.

Another turning point in regard to this church was this weekend when the pastor had two people talk about how much money they give the church and how much we need to change.  Then the pastor got up and said that we should each be donating $180.00/month to the church?  I'm sorry, what???????  While I understand the need to "advise" the congregation of the financial standing (Hello?  After all I was raised Catholic!  I was used to those few "homilies" every year about money), I under no circumstance will be told how much I should be giving to a church.  (Maybe I didn't give "enough" to warrant a response to my request for help?  Hmmm...that thought does cross my mind)  Does my pastor know what kind of bills I have?  Does he know how much I make?  What my finances look like?  That speech got under my skin and ate at my bones.  I was pretty livid.

So all in all, time to find a new church and stop bitching about the old one, right?  I just have one issue.  Guilt.  The kid loves the kids program there and has a good time with the other kids.  I'm trying to rationalize it within that she is a total social butterfly and easily makes friends wherever we go, so it won't be difficult for her.  After all, it's not like she has play dates and stuff with church kids.  She sees them and has fun when we go, that's the extent of it.  I have to keep telling myself to get over it...it really should not be a big deal, right?

Now I've googled "Christian" "Non-denominational" churches in the area, however there really aren't any.  It seems like in Wisconsin you can go anywhere and find one, but here there are a ton of Lutheran and Catholic churches within the vicinity.  I really do not and am not prepared to return to the Catholic faith.  I want to find a Christian church.  The one that would be within a willing driving distance is ginormous and I really don't think I'm ready to face something on that scale.  I may just be doing some church hopping or limping (ha, ha) around for the next month or so?

What We Don't Need To Know

I've decided I'm very much like my dad in the need to know sense.  He hates computers and has a coniption (sp?) if something goes wrong.  So I always get the call to go fix it while he sweats it out.  He doesn't need or want to know what was wrong or how I fixed it so long as it gets fixed.  I feel the same way about surgery. 

Still freaking out...wish I didn't know the things I know and wondering if this is going to continue to eat away at me for the next 27 days???

Flippin' Hip

Okay, I think I'm ready to blog about this.  I'm having hip surgery next month...not a hip replacement because the doctor is afraid that with lupus, it will not be well-received in my body.  So he is going to try to reconstruct the massively torn (almost non-existent) labrum.  I don't know what he is going to do about the frayed/split socket (due to the torn labrum).  When I went for my results, I was really okay and ready to accept having a hip surgery.  I really didn't think it would be a big deal based on a past discussion with the doc.  Looking back at the first appointment, I guess it wasn't really discussed "in depth" at that time because we didn't know exactly what would need to be done before the MRI Arthrogram.

Well, it was discussed in depth at this appointment...wayyyyy too in depth.  Details I wish weren't discussed.  Details I would have done fine not knowing.  Apparently, he has to pop my pelvic bone all the way to the side and a huge nerve will be sticking out and then they stick a bar between your legs to hold you in that position.  I needed to know that?  What happened to "we're going to make an incision here and fix it for you?"  I could have lived with that.  Well, since Thursday, I have lost 6 lbs.   I have been a nervous wreck thinking about it thanks to the graphic picture the doctor has drawn in my head.  (Can I help it I'm a visual person?) 

I'm worried about everything considering I will be pretty immobile.  No driving, no stairs, no nothing.  I get several pieces of medical equipment delivered to my house, braces for my hips and legs and some other machine.  I'm FREAKING OUT!  I have a zillion questions.  It's not easy being here with the kid by myself.  Who is going to drive her to and from school?  Who's going to pack her lunches?  Cook dinner?  Do the laundry?  How am I going to get to physical therapy?  Who's going to mow the lawn?  How am I going to get to the bathroom?  Shower?  Who's going to buy the groceries?  I feel like I might just go crazy this time.  When I had the hysterectomy I could pretty well fare on my own.  I was able to move and get around, do things (even though I probably shouldn't have) and stuff, but what am I going to do with no hip???

Where in the hell am I going to find the help I need??????????????????

Random Twisted Thoughts

1. I just saw a picture of the first love of my life and he's getting gray.  I wonder if when people see me they think I "look old."  Most likely, probably just fat.
2. Who's gonna do the laundry, pack lunches and do the dishes?
3. How the hell am I going to get in the shower if I'm not supposed to move?
4. It irritates the crap out of me when people constantly push on their brakes when there is no one infront of them?  What are they afraid of?  That air is going to jump out infront of them and dent their car?
5. Is anyone EVER going to talk to me at church?....um, when I go. (I did today - miracle, right?)
6. Does the kid's friend think I'm nuts?  Do I really care?  At least she has a good time when she's here.  I can't help it that I act like I'm 12 and still like to play.
7. I don't want to have THE conversation with my boss tomorrow.
8. You'd think with all the surgeries I have had to have in the past year, one of these times someone would have been kind enough to reach in and grab a little extra (ahem...fat) and remove that as well.  I mean, what am I paying these people for???
9. Walk.  Don't run.
10. After this hip thing, I will never complain again that the kid hates sports.
11. The knees are probably next.
12. I hate Facebook, but yet I have an account?
13. I had two kids all weekend and the second started calling me "mom."  Time to go home.
14. I can't wait for fall sweeps.  Not having cable kind of sucks in the summer.  Guess that means I'm supposed to be outside or somethin'.
15. I need Football.

Freaking Out

I'm totally freaking out about tomorrow.  I have to go have an MRI/Arthrogram done on my hip...which means they will be sticking a big ass needle into the hip joint.  Just thinking about it makes me dry heave.  Can you imagine how long that needles gotta be to get through my fat????

Strike

Every morning for the past week I drive by these asshole construction workers that have decided to go on strike because "they aren't paid enough."  So they sit in the road, under an umbrella shooting the shit and drinking coffee.  I want to spit my gum at them and swear at them every time I drive by.  Stupid assholes...being greedy while we have a 9.5% national unemployment rate (10.8% in the state I live). 

I wish they'd run these assholes off the road and pay someone who is willing to work and give anything for a job right now.

Camping

The kid has been begging me to take her camping for the past two years...something I've been putting off and putting off.  Okay, camping is not exactly my idea of fun.  So I finally got a tent, set one up in the yard last night and invited her friends over.  We had a campfire and made smores, which they loved.  Then we played hide-n-seek in the dark, which they also loved.  Finally, it was time to go to bed, so they brought games and books out to the tent.  They stayed in it about an hour and then I heard the back door creak open.  The kid walked into my room with this panicked look on her face and said, "Uh, mom...We just CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE OUT THERE!!!!" 

I was laughing so hard because can you imagine if I really took her camping?  At the same time I was soooo relieved that she didn't like it because that leaves me TOTALLY off the hook!  (Today I asked her what her thoughts were of her first camping experience and she goes, "I HATED IT!  I never want to do that again...I mean sleep in a tent...but can we still make smores?")

So I went back to bed and told them to go to bed.  12:30 in the morning comes around and I wake up to a little face staring at me.  The kid says, "Mom, where are my bras?  Oh, by the way, it's 12:34 in the morning."  SERIOUSLY????  They wanted to dress up in their bras at 12:30 am????  And they woke me up to do it?  I told her to go to bed and rolled over.  Well, this morning MY bras were all over the living room.  I guess that's what I get for leaving out a basket of laundry. 

What an interesting night and exhausting day...I'm ready for bed already!!!!

A Whole New World

I'm entering into a whole new world.  I've kind of noticed that the kid's body is starting to change, but I haven't pointed it out to her.  No need to...this morning she walked into my room and said, "Mom, I think it's time I get a bra."  Well, ok.  I thought what would one of those little chemisie-type things hurt.  So I take her to Walmart where I've seen the Hannah Montana ones.  She's standing in the aisle looking at her choices and walks up to a padded, underwire bra that a 13 year old would wear and goes, "I choose this one."  Ha!  I had to explain to her that those were for older girls with a little bit more there.  Her excuse was, "But mom, I want a bra just like you!  I want to be just like you."  She finally settled on one shaped like mine, but cute cotton pattern for little girls.

Then I tell her that she has to carry it in the store and she did not want to do that.  She was so embarrassed.  I still made her carry it because I had other things in my hands.  So what does she do?  Balls the bras up in her palm as tiny as she can get them the entire time we were shopping!

We got home and I was strictly sworn that I had to keep my mouth shut...uh, huh - like that's going to happen.  (God Bless the internet!).  She went swimming with a girl today and packed her bag and when I checked to make sure everything was in it, I didn't see her bra.  I asked her about it and she goes, "Oh yeah, it's on the bottom in the towel." 

Anyway, I wasn't allowed to tell her friend who's now over tonight and just a while ago she comes out and goes, "Jill knows!"  I said oh, ok and Jill just acts like it's no big deal.  "Yup, I have one too, and so does my sister."  I guess the kid is over her embarrassment.  I certainly never expected her to be embarrassed about it.  It was kind of funny.

These next couple of years are going to be very interesting...

How Am I Ever Gonna Sleep Tonight???

Okay, I totally feel like I'm 12, but I am so excited.  It's been a loooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg time.  I met someone for a date tonight.  We met for dinner at a good Chinese restaurant and ate and talked for 3 hours.  It was great.  There weren't any awkward moments of silence, nothing.  When we first met outside the restaurant he kissed my cheek and said it was nice to meet me.  I thought that was kind of sweet, I'm a sucker.  After dinner we walked over to a bar establishment for a drink.  Turned out they had karaoke (sp?) tonight and so we sat and talked and laughed and watched the people singing and then he walked me back to my car.

At my car he gave me a kiss on my cheek good night and told me he had a good time and would like to see me again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Okay, I really did have a great time tonight and the man was such a gentleman.  I'm excited.  Even if it doesn't turn into anything in the long run, I had a date, I had a good time and maybe it sounds a little funny, but at least I know that tonight I was still be "dateable."  Yay!

Baby steps...

More Needles?

Is it fair to say that after spending 3 hours at the doctor this morning I'm really not in the mood to go on my date tonight?  I wonder if I have a good chance of him cancelling????

It looks like more surgery is in the works - ugh.

OMG!

Okay, OMG, OMG, OMG!  I have a dinner date tomorrow.  This guy emailed me on the site I'm on and I emailed him back and said, "sure let's meet."  Who needs all the stalker bullshit, right?  So I can just meet him and know right away?  Then we exchanged numbers and talked tonight.  He asked me about my profile how I said I didn't want any more kids (because his says he does) and I explained to him that I had cancer and cannot physically have any more children but would be open to adoption/foster care....and he still wants to meet!!!!  Good news is I didn't freak him out...bad new is, could he be a freak?  LOL.  He even said he appreciated my honesty.  So, I'm can't help but question myself, did he still agree to have dinner just to be nice or could he still be interested?  Who would waste money on a dinner he's not interested in?  I wouldn't, but I'm stubborn.  I know, I should just accept it as it is and go on about however, but I don't want to be completely naive.  Okay, but seriously, he really did sound like a nice person on the phone.  I actually enjoyed talking to him.

So we will see...but hell, I HAVE A FREAKING DATE!!!!

Hallelujah, it's raining men, hallelujah!!!!

I Have to Remember This...someday

Last night the kid asked about pantiliners I had in the bathroom closet and I had to go into the whole "period" talk.  So I tell her that one day she'll have to wear the pad in her pants once a month because when she becomes a teenager she will get her period.  And she says, "What's that?"  So I tell her she'll bleed once a month from there.  And she goes, "That's disgusting.  Why in the world would I want to do that?  What's that for?"  Well now, what to tell a 7 year old?  Surely I could not make something up or lie because I know at this age it'll come back and bite me right in the ass....so I tell her, "Well, your body is preparing you for becoming a woman so that when you are MARRIED (strongly enforced) and are ready to have a baby, when you're MARRIED, your body will be ready."  She goes, "Well, what comes out in that blood?"  So I tell her her body will produce eggs and that's the body's way of getting them out.  Her eyes get really, really big and she goes, "OMG MOM!  You mean I'm going to lay an egg?  How long do I have to sit on it for?"

I almost died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Serious Heart Attack

Okay, so Friday I went up to Milwaukee and stopped in to see friends.  The girl is going to college this year at a state school and told me it would cost $20.000.00 a year.  I almost had a heart attack.  I thought she was exaggerating, but apparently not.  I just looked up tuition at the state college here and for a year it is $24,000.00.  I know, I shouldn't panic about it because my kid has at least another 10 years to go...but if it's $24K now, what is it going to be in 10 years?  I am seriously having a heart attack.  How can anyone afford to go to school??????????????

I know there are loans, etc., but I'm kind of hoping that she doesn't have to do that.  I was fortunate enough that my father could pay for my schooling and I was really wanting to do the same thing for the kid.  What an advantage it was to start off after college and not be hounded by debt. 

OMG, what the hell am I going to do???? (besides cry)

Update

Okay, an update because I can see I'm going to need guidance.  The guy that stopped IMing me last night got back on and tried IMing me again...but like I'm going to wait around?  I went to bed.

This other guy emailed me and we were just now chatting for a bit.  Thank God that I have a kid to use as an excuse (even if she is gone for the weekend!).  He started IMing me that he's fun and "very, very open minded."  That started to freak me out because he said it three times and told me that not everyone is like that.  So just what did he have in mind?  Threesomes?  Yoga poses?  Yes, I know my mind goes immediately to some perversion because that is what you always hear about and I'm super cautious and paranoid about meeting someone like that.  No thanks, not what I'm looking for.  So I used the excuse that I had to go make breakfast for the kid...he kept IMing me and wanted pictures.  I just closed the IM and blocked him.

So...was I overreacting?  Or playing it smart???

Dating: Take Two

Alright, so after my freaky stalker dude, I had taken my profile off the site and ended that.  Now I don't know what's gotten into me tonight, but I decided to try another site.  I did my whole profile thing, including a photo (yikes) and actually joined for three months.  I hated to do it, but well, let's give it a try.  My way of thinking is that I should not have to pay to meet someone, but at the rate I'm going, I'll be rolling over in my grave and greeting a bag of bones before I ever get a date!  So I give myself three months to become more outgoing and try to meet somone.  This is sooooooooooo out of the box for me....sooooooo far past my comfort zone that I may just cry if I ever do even get a date!!!  (Let's just say I'm not really counting my chickens, but one can dream!)

Anyway, a guy emailed me tonight that lives in the community.  His profile pic is cute.  I emailed him back and then we started IMing and then it stopped.  WTF?  I don't know what I said because I didn't say much...maybe that was the problem?  Well, we'll see...I have a hard enough time being "social," I can only imagine how it's going to go with complete strangers.

Why am I so awkward?  Does it ever get better?

Click

After a little push from my pen pal, I finally picked up my good camera for the first time since surgery.  Yesterday I went to the Milwaukee Bontanical Gardens and I did some shooting.  Nothing impressive, but I picked up the camera and enjoyed it - somewhat...don't know how soon I'll do it again?

Anyway, I got with the times and opened a Flickr account, which I've linked to the blog (on the right hand side of my home page)...so enjoy.

www.flickr.com/spoonsluvme

Perspective Punch

I've been feeling really down again...and it's because three of my friends are pregnant and I want my damn uterus back.  Okay, so I've psyched myself out trying to act tough on the outside like I didn't care that I could never have a child again.  I told everyone I couldn't imagine starting over, that I didn't want anymore kids...but in reality, I've always wanted to have a lot of kids - um, like 6 to be exact.  But I can't anymore.  Now, let me be straight, I'm very, very happy for my pregnant friends, but at the same time I can't help but feel this loss.  I don't know how to explain it.  I LOVED being pregnant (weird, maybe?  but hasn't that already been established???).  Anyway, the fact is I have to deal with not being able to physically have any more children, and I keep trying to ask myself, is it the fact that I can't have another baby or is it the fact that my "baby" is growing older and no longer needs me/wants to be around me as much?  Exactly which loss is at that I'm having trouble with???  Is it fair to say both?

Anyway, like I've said, I've been feeling really super down.  Second guessing everything, the choices I've made, etc.  I went home today.  I just needed to take off and go "home."  I had a very good day but was punched in the face by perspective.  And I have to admit, I needed a good smack-down.  My BFF from high school's mom said to me, "See?  There was a reason that you married him and had to go through all that trouble because if you wouldn't have you would have never had that experience of physically being pregnant and having a child."  I know that, and that's what I keep telling myself...

But then I was driving back home tonight and on Route 12 these police cars come with their lights on and sirens blaring and after them a motorcade of cycles with the flags.  They were escorting a dead soldier home from the war...and that's really where perspective gave me a black eye.  I've seen several of these motorcades passing by where I live and every time it makes me cry.  What do I have to be selfish for?  Why should I feel sorry for myself?  What right do I have to be sad?  To mourn some part of my body when I already have a child?  A healthy, happy child?  Someone tonight lost their mother or father, son or daughter, their wife or husband, their sister or brother from fighting a senseless, selfish war. 

I need to stop.  I need to be grateful that I can still go home, that I have a dad that loves me, that I have friends who welcome me home when I've been gone for 10 years, that it can all fall back into place after such a long time, that I have a healthy, happy child, that I beat cancer and it didn't beat me, that I was alive today to see the sunset, that I could see the herons flying over the bog...

It's all about perspective, and I need to change mine, get out of this funk and be grateful that I saw and lived today.