I Did It!

I did it today.  I stuck up for us and let everyone know how it's going to be!   I've decided that next Christmas me and the kid are taking a vacation by ourselves and I refuse to subject us to any family drama.

Let's just say, I'm now officially on everybody's shit list, but I don't care because for once I am doing what is right for us.  I am not going to raise my child in the environment I was raised in.  Arguments every holiday, misery, crying, feeling worthless, being told you're worthless, drama...nope, no way, never.

So I started looking at places to spend next Christmas.  Yes, I know, I'm totally anal looking a good year in advance, but I'm one of those people who have to plan and KNOW where I am going.  Well, I found awesome deals on places to stay, just no awesome airfare because you can't book that far in advance.  Needless to say, I am also one of those paranoid people who will not book a place w/out knowing how I am going to get there.

Right now, it's between Hawaii (yes, this is KILLING ME because I REALLY want to go, but the airfare that I could see as far as you could see was wayyyyy too much), Gulf Shores or Ft. Lauderdale.  Gulf Shores we drive, Ft. Lauderdale we fly.  Hawaii I continue to dream....

So anyway, I told my mother today that we are going away for Xmas and she got pissed.  Her response was that she was having me down with the kid (uh, without asking...just assuming) and also having my younger sister down and her sister down.  First, my sister hasn't spoken to me in 6 years, despite numerous attempts at emailing, Birthday and Christmas cards.  She doesn't even know the kid, has never attempted to make contact with her, send a card, nothing.  The last time I saw her she called me a "fucking bitch" at Thanksgiving dinner and I packed up and drove 7 hours home w/out eating dinner.  Second, her sister has met me once in her life and the extent of the conversation was "Hi, I'm Barb."  Nope, No way, No Thank you.  I refuse to take part in any family drama.  I am no longer going to spend any holiday in the misery of my family.

There will no longer be any Jerry Springer meets Dr. Phil holidays for me and the kid.

We are free, I hereby declare.  And it feels good to breathe. 

Save the Drama for the Wicked Step-Mama

Okay, so here's how it goes down.

Prior to "real" Xmas, my dad and I were going to go out East to see my 91 year old grandma for Xmas.  My kid was with her father this year, so dad was going to come down in early Dec. to have Xmas with her.  Then he met my future step-mother (who will be referred to as the Wicked Witch (WW) from here on out).  He decided he no longer had time to spend with us.  I told him how that one made me feel, so he decided he could spend two hours down here because he couldn't be away from the WW for longer than that.  No matter that I also invited her.  She "didn't have time" for us either.  Whatever.

Two weeks later, he, her and her three boys families all have Xmas dinner together.  We weren't invited.  But afterwards I get the call about how big and fancy her son's home was and how well they ate.  I live in a shoebox, that made me feel like a winner.  At least I know we eat well, and not just once a year.  Ha ha.

And finally, WW decides she has time to go out East with us.  Fine.  Whatever.  No problem.  The drive out was fine.  Grandma opened her big mouth right away and totally embarrassed dad, which pissed him off (cuz my father is constantly constipated and can't lighten up).  Then it turned into my fault because I apparently egged her on.  Uh.....we have a 91 year old woman who needs no egging to get started.  And everyone knows this.  I'm still not even sure what I said to her that got her going (according to my dad).  Even my cousins who were sitting there still don't have a clue.

Day 2...I wake up and join everyone in the kitchen.  WW states how she wants a granddaughter soooo badly, and that me and the kid are not adequate enough because we don't count.  She wants one from her sons and all she has are grandsons.  I was pissed.  My dad didn't even speak up.  Just went on about how adorable HER grandsons are.  I teared up and left the room because I was not going to sit infront of the entire family and cry. 

(It's turning out like wife #2, where HER kids were the only ones that mattered.  In fact, she told him he could no longer have any contact with us kids and he stopped...for 12 years.  Until I looked him up and found out he was divorced again.)

Anyway, I get bitched at and ripped a new one from my dad because I went back to the room and I "take everything the wrong way."  Whatever...but how else are you supposed to take, "You're not adequate?"  Anyway, I go back out and sit.  WW, at this point, has met my three grown cousins and says nothing to them.  Not ONE word.  Does not engage them in conversation, look at them, etc.  She's entirely too busy licking my grandmother and aunt's backsides.

I go out and hang out with my cousins.  At this point, it's like we are kids and the grown ups are talking and the kids are not meant to be heard.  So fine.  I get ripped a new one at that point from my dad again about how I am not giving WW enough attention and she's sick of me. 

Does he expect me to stand over her with a palm leaf and fan her?  Provide her with a bell to ring incase she wants a drink?  Give her a foot massage?

At that point, I was still not sure what I did, considering I was hanging out with my cousins while all the "adults" talked. 

Day 3... I get chewed out again about how I haven't given WW any attention and how we're going to have to have a talk about my attitude.  So I get into it at that point with my dad while he is standing in front of me 6'4" of him SCREAMING at me infront of the entire family like I was a 10 year old kid who did something wrong. 

I then get told again about how the WW is just so sick of me.  I literally make her sick. Here's the cake topper. I spent the night at my cousin's house...so I wasn't even staying with my aunt and uncle where my dad and WW were staying.   How is she sick of me when I wasn't giving her any attention?  How was she sick of me if I wasn't even there to get sick of?

He then tells me that she's all that matters to him and I have just alienated myself from being in his life.  He tells me this right infront of her.  I guess she knows where she stands.  If I were her and felt threatened by me (which, I think she does), I would be sitting there very smug thinking, "ha, I could do and say anything now to get her out of our lives."  And I bet you she probably thought just that.

Next he goes to my grandma's house with her and I'm not allowed to go see my grandmother.  The phone rings and my aunt comes back to tell me we are heading home that night (at 9:30pm for a 11 hour drive) because WW is so sick of me and doesn't want me around.

We head out.  Neither of them talk to me and the bitch backs her seat all the way back so that I can't even get my foot into the backseat on the floor. 

First rest stop, I'm awake, I get out to pee.  Everyone closes their car door just fine.  Second rest stop, I'm asleep with my head on the end of her side of the car.  She slams the door as hard as she can. 

Finally, we make it back and my dad drops my bags in the kitchen, walks out of my house and leaves without a word. 

Well, fuck-that.  I did just fine for 12 years without any drama in my life.  If that's how it's going to be again, so be it.  But this time, I'm not doing the reaching.  I'm just really pissed that it's my kid that is going to be hurt and shafted.  Screw me - fine...Screw my kid - not so fine.  He can call her up and explain to her why he no longer wants to be a part of her life...I'm not going to be the one to hurt her.

Merry Fucking Christmas!  I think this one almost tops the one when my mother put me in foster care on Christmas Eve.  If it didn't top it, it's for sure a tie, or at least runner up!

What is left to say???  I clearly have to be adopted.  I just haven't found my papers yet!

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BTW, I got my dad the Season 1 & 2 of Everybody Loves Raymond for Xmas and WW was pissed.  She told me straight to my face that it was no fair that I bought that because she wanted to get it for him.  I just looked at her and told her, "You know, there are like 8 other seasons you can buy."  Bitch.

Third Wheel

2:56am...no use on sleeping now when we'll be on the road by 4:30.  I'm quite convinced that I'm going to end up being pushed aside and dragging along like a third wheel.  Not looking forward to this trip, but I want to see my grandma.  She's going to be 91 and what if this is the last time I see her? 

I had a horrible nightmare the other night that she was telling me she was talking to Bill.  That's my grandfather that has been dead for 12 years.  Then the dream went on to have someone standing over me in my bed yielding a knife.  I woke up in a sweat and haven't really been able to sleep since then.  I've just been kind of freaked out in my own house. 

Don't know what caused such a strange, crazy dream...but I dont think I'm quite over it yet.

Oh well...Merry Christmas and Happy Third Wheel to all.  :p

I am truly hopless...and it's been proven

Sooooo, I meet up with some girls and we head out to happy hour Thursday night.  I actually go and fix myself up so I look decent.  A nice red sweater, tight(er) jeans, make-up...and there is a group of guys there.  One guy comes up and starts talking to us...but really focusing on the one girl in our group.  He's hitting on her and talking and talking and talking. 

She's a lesbian.

Now if I can't get a guy to talk to me, but he hits on the lesbian in the group, what does that say about me?  I'm hopeless and it's just been proven.

Oh Crap! Bottle of Wine + Conversation makes for....Oh NO!

So I got asked if I would be a bridesmaid tonight...by my dad's girlfriend.

Here goes the conversation:

Me:  "Are you sure cuz you know you have three daughter-in-laws?  And I really don't want you asking me because you feel like you have to be nice or obligated or anything."  (Yes, I am a bitch)

Her:  "No, I really would like you and my friend Donna to stand up."

Me:  (Inside my head....OH SHIT!)  "Really?  Do I have to wear a really ugly dress?"

Dad in the background, "No, she should wear fishnets..." (Trying to be funny)

Me:  "Oh great, tell my dad I got the hooker boots to go with it."

Her:  "She has the outfit...no, really, you can wear anything you want."

Me:  "Like Black?  Cuz that's really slimming."  (NOT because I'm mourning, but I found and bought a killer black dress and have no place to wear it)

Crap. Crap. Crap.  First of all, I don't want to stand up infront of a church.  I've never been a bridesmaid and could really die without ever being one.  And second, I was planning on photographing the wedding and making a photobook for them as a gift.  Now what the hell am I going to do?  Carry my camera instead of flowers?  Okay, so and I'm dying to mess around with my new camera.  But really, overall, I HATE being infront of a crowd.  And yes, I'm totally selfish...but how well does this woman really know me?  I mean, am I wrong to be suspicious?

Maybe I should make a condition...like I'll stand up if you invite at least 5 single guys in my age range???  (okay, and they have to be decent...not like they can have 3 eyes or anything!)

10 Random Thoughts

1.  After nearly mowing down an old man that jumped out infront of my car today in the Starbucks parking lot, I wondered, is there a person in America over the age of 20 that will die without ever having eaten a thing from McDonald's?  Don't ask me how Starbucks corralates to McDonalds.

2.  My doctor put me on blood thinners after this last surgery.  Should I be wondering why I was put on blood thinners after this surgery and not the last?  What's the big secret he's not telling me?

3.  At least one Christmas carol should be sung year round at church every Sat/Sun.  It makes me happier...who cares if it annoys the rest of the general population?  It annoys me that they started exclusively playing them 24/7 on the radio station here THREE WEEKS before THANKSGIVING!  I miss the Plain White T's and 80's Flashback Fridays!

4.  Do you ever see someone in the general population (like at a store, or church, or an event) and you feel tremendously sorry for them?  Like you feel like they look totally sad and are carrying the weight of the world and you wish you could pat them on the back or hug them and tell them it'll be all right...even if you don't have a clue if it will?

5.  Why do they call it the 12 Days of Christmas when it really lasts like 2 months?  Someone forgot how to count or ran out of fingers!  (But then looking back at #3, I suppose it would have to be called at least the 52 days of Christmas...hmmmmm.)

6.  I love my new chapstick that comes in a tube shaped like an Easter egg.  Correction...I loved it until I knocked it off the end table and it rolled under the couch.  Damn it for making me try to get on all fours and reach for it.

7.  Why do I keep dreaming (going on two weeks now) that I'm pregnant with twins and am walking around carrying them stone drunk with a constant glass of wine in my hand?  What is wrong with THAT picture? 

8.  I used to tease my dad that if I wasn't adopted he surely had an affair with the mail lady because I am not my mother's child.  But after two weeks of dating a woman and deciding to get married to her, I'm positive that I am not the mail lady's either.  I am now 100% sure that I am 110% whole-heartedly adopted.

9.  I met this cute guy when I went out for my birthday.  Thought he'd be fun to go out with (definitely not marriage material or even serious dating material, but fun) until we hooked up on Facebook and all he talked about are the "supermodels he bangs" and the size of his penis.  There are two things wrong with that:  #1.  A guy that talks about the size of his penis obviously cannot be that large, and #2. Why risk an STD?  Back to the drawing board it is....

10.  Ten is a difficult number.  I now understand why the American population groups things in 3's.

Peace out and here's to a night without twins (cuz God knows that now that mine is grown I cannot stand screaming brats...especially at WalMart!).....