Coward!

Well, the kid has called grandpa and he has refused to take or return her calls.  Who does that to an 8-year old kid?  I'm so pissed.  I'm the one who is left to explain to her why her grandfather no longer wants to be a part of her life?  He's a fucking coward, as far as I'm concerned.

If he doesn't want to talk to me, that's fine.  It's old hat, he's done it before.  But now the kid is in the picture and had such a good time with him for the little time he was in her life (the past 3 years b/c he was married to Bitch #2 prior to then).  It's tearing me apart wondering what she is thinking and how she must feel that he doesn't want anything to do with her.

So I thought about emailing the pastor that is doing the marriage counseling for them, hoping he would counsel them in the correct direction...but then I argue with myself about why should I put myself and the kid through this?  If he came to his senses, how brief would that be?  And who really needs that kind of love in their life?  Everything based on conditions?  How would we really be treated anyway and how long would it last?

I don't know what to do.  The smart part of me says to let it go and let him be the coward he is.  And when this marriage fails, let it go still because I should not be the one knocking on his door for the third time.  We do not deserve to be treated like this and be there only until he's not lonely anymore.  The emotional part of me hurts so much for my kid and her lack of understanding, her lack of being able to have a good grandparent in her life. 

I know I really need to let it go, but it hurts so much to know that my kid is going to suffer and be treated this way..that's what really bothers me.

Love in our family is all based on condition.  You only get to be loved based on a certain criteria and condition you have to meet.  (Like for example, the first time my dad stopped talking to me, so did his sister  (my aunt) and his mother (my grandmother)...then when he got divorced and he decided we were good enough, they all "loved me" again.  Same thing is happening this time).  I thought family was the one you were supposed to be able to count on and be loved unconditionally?  I have friends who receive us better than my blood. 

I refuse to raise my kid based on conditions.  I just can't fathom how people get through life loving in that manner?  But it's not going to be us...even if we end up being our own little two person island.