Can I Keep This Up?

I realize it's been a while since I've posted.  I'm wondering if I can really keep this blogging up?  I used to blog a lot, but my motivation has really suffered this past year.

Thyroid surgery has left me really down in the dumps, exhausted, totally unmotivated.  I wish I could pull out of this funk, but it is really difficult.  I keep making excuses for myself like my hormones need to re-regulate, etc.  But it's one thing after another...now a broken nose. 

One day I'd like to be normal.  Hell, I'm asking for one day.

And so the story of my life goes.  I need to update my travel blog with my Panama trip...but again, facing ZERO motivation.

Premeditated Cruelty

Tell me this wasn't pre-meditated.

Phone rings on Wed.

"Oh, I forgot to call you and Pam reminded me that I should.  We're having EASTER DINNER AT 4PM on Sunday.  So I know that is late for you and you probably won't be able to make it."

The Dreaded Day

Well, tomorrow I head up for the dreaded weekend...the "royal" wedding.  I didn't think I was going considering my father hasn't spoken to me at all...but then all of a sudden this week I get an email for a hotel confirmation that was booked for me.  My guess is, someone is trying to save face infront of the Wicked Witches family.  Whatever.

So today I FINALLY get a call from my father making sure I was coming.  Ugh!  My stupid aunt is coming in and I sooooo don't want to see her because she's a witch too.  Maybe if I wear the kids red ruby dress up shoes and click them together both the Wicked Witch and my aunt will find their way back to Oz for their hearts.

Did I mention that I had given him orginally the dates the kid was with me?  And then they decided to change the date to one I didn't have her.  He expected me to ask her father if I could have her.  Nope, no way was I doing that after they changed the date and want to act like assholes.  So today he asks if the kid is coming and I tell him no.  Then he huffs and puffs like I put THEM out.  Again, whatever.

Needless to say, I am less than thrilled about this trip.  I'm thinking after "family" dinner tomorrow night a heavy shopping retail therapy trip will be necessary along with a bottle of wine popping open when I get back to the hotel. 

Wondering if I can get an IV in my arm to pump the alcohol in beginning Sat. morning???? Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller...Bueller....

Well, just wait...I'm wearing my hooker boots to the wedding...so maybe I won't save face afterall.  LOL.

Best Buy = Best Crap

I have to blog about this because I'm fuming and want the world (like my 3 whole readers - ha ha) to know that Best Buy SUCKS!  They have seriously lost a customer - FOREVER!!!!  Here's my story:

This past year I have dropped a load of money at Best Buy.  No more!  This past month I purchased two WII games online.  They shipped me the wrong item.  I phoned them and told them.  The lady told me that she was sending me a return label via email and I was to return it and they would ship me the correct item.

Two days later I still did not receive my label.  I phoned them again.  This time I was told that they were not shipping me a return label because the item was under $60 and they would not pay to return it...EVEN THOUGH IT WAS NOT WHAT I ORDERED!!!!  I was told that I was responsible for returning it to the store and I could try to reorder the item - oh wait, by the way, that item is now sold out online.  The lady took my number and said she was going to do some further research and lo and behold - never phoned me back.

Today I phoned again and asked to speak to a manager...Oh, I'm a manager.  Okay, I'm sure that was a line, I'm not completely stupid.  I explained the whole situation and she told me, nope, you can return it to the store or YOU can pay for shipping to return it.  Oh, and by the way, don't expect a replacement cuz they are sold out.  WHAT????  I wasn't the one who screwed up in the first place, but I'm to spend MY gas money to run to the store or my postage money to return it??? 

I'm not being a complete bitch.  I want the item I ordered and paid for.  And I want Best Buy to take responsiblity for the return.   And if the item is sold out, so then be it...but don't ship me a consolation prize and expect me not to complain or want it returned.

Anyway, I'm going to go to the store tonight and return my ENTIRE order because I no longer want anything to ever again do with Best Buy.  They have lost a permanent customer!  I cannot believe their customer service!  I'm appalled, totally turned off and completely fed up with them.  From now on any electronic needs I have will be met by either Amazon or Walmart.  I'm done.

I'm left regretting that I spent so much money in a store that treats it's customers like that.  What a disappointment.  Corporate will be getting a letter from me.

I can't imagine what would happen in my job if I treated one of our users that way and said, "oh, well, our system is screwed up so you'll manually have to calculate a million dollar in sales and if it doesn't come out even, oh well."

Vacation!!!

So I started planning our vacation and we are heading out West...to Mt. Rushmore.  I can't wait.  I think it will take a day and a half to drive out.  We'll have three full days there and then take our time driving home.  I think (I think) our itinerary is going to be:

First 1/2 day there: 
Stop at Dinosaur Park.
Settle in.
See the Chuckwagon/Cowboy show

DAY ONE:
Spend the morning at Mt. Rushmore and exploring the small towns. 
Waterpark in the evening.

DAY TWO:
Head up toward Belle Fourche to stand in the dead center of the 49 states (I know, we're cheesy, but it's a scenic drive and a cheap thrill)
Spearfish Canyon
Devil's Tower, WY

DAY THREE:
Custer State Park - Peter Norbeck Scenic Hwy
2 hour Horseback Ride through the Black Hills
See Mt. Rushmore lit up at night.

DAY FOUR:
Drive down to Wall Drug.
Scenic By-Way through the Badlands.

DAY FIVE:
Sleep in and head out.

The kid is going to flip when she finds out I planned horseback riding.  She has been begging me to take her but she hasn't been old enough yet (most places I called around here said 10 for a long ride).  I found this great place out in Custer that has 1, 1.5, 2hr and overnight trips (no thank you...).  The lady was so nice when I spoke to them. 

We don't plan on hiking anything because 1) the kid is not outdoorsy.  2) I could care less and 3) I've read several warnings about rattle snakes...no thank you!  (Have a great childhood memory in regard to rattle snakes from when we lived in OK).  Driving the byways and getting out for photos is just our cup of tea.

On the way back, thanks to Roadsideamerica.com, I found some dorky little places to stop along 90 for again, cheap thrills.  But I think all the crazy stuff mixed with the cool stuff like horseback riding, seeing wild buffalo, etc. will make for a great memorable trip for the kid.

Now if we can only wait that long....

Another surgery?

Found out today that I may need knee surgery afterall.  Briefly spoke w/my hip doc who also does knee repair.  I mentioned that my kneecap is misaligned and he said that is a bigger problem than what they did to my hip.  Seriously???

He's going to review my MRI and X-rays when I go back in Feb. for another hip check and then we'll know what the game plan is.  Ugh!

Coward!

Well, the kid has called grandpa and he has refused to take or return her calls.  Who does that to an 8-year old kid?  I'm so pissed.  I'm the one who is left to explain to her why her grandfather no longer wants to be a part of her life?  He's a fucking coward, as far as I'm concerned.

If he doesn't want to talk to me, that's fine.  It's old hat, he's done it before.  But now the kid is in the picture and had such a good time with him for the little time he was in her life (the past 3 years b/c he was married to Bitch #2 prior to then).  It's tearing me apart wondering what she is thinking and how she must feel that he doesn't want anything to do with her.

So I thought about emailing the pastor that is doing the marriage counseling for them, hoping he would counsel them in the correct direction...but then I argue with myself about why should I put myself and the kid through this?  If he came to his senses, how brief would that be?  And who really needs that kind of love in their life?  Everything based on conditions?  How would we really be treated anyway and how long would it last?

I don't know what to do.  The smart part of me says to let it go and let him be the coward he is.  And when this marriage fails, let it go still because I should not be the one knocking on his door for the third time.  We do not deserve to be treated like this and be there only until he's not lonely anymore.  The emotional part of me hurts so much for my kid and her lack of understanding, her lack of being able to have a good grandparent in her life. 

I know I really need to let it go, but it hurts so much to know that my kid is going to suffer and be treated this way..that's what really bothers me.

Love in our family is all based on condition.  You only get to be loved based on a certain criteria and condition you have to meet.  (Like for example, the first time my dad stopped talking to me, so did his sister  (my aunt) and his mother (my grandmother)...then when he got divorced and he decided we were good enough, they all "loved me" again.  Same thing is happening this time).  I thought family was the one you were supposed to be able to count on and be loved unconditionally?  I have friends who receive us better than my blood. 

I refuse to raise my kid based on conditions.  I just can't fathom how people get through life loving in that manner?  But it's not going to be us...even if we end up being our own little two person island.

I Did It!

I did it today.  I stuck up for us and let everyone know how it's going to be!   I've decided that next Christmas me and the kid are taking a vacation by ourselves and I refuse to subject us to any family drama.

Let's just say, I'm now officially on everybody's shit list, but I don't care because for once I am doing what is right for us.  I am not going to raise my child in the environment I was raised in.  Arguments every holiday, misery, crying, feeling worthless, being told you're worthless, drama...nope, no way, never.

So I started looking at places to spend next Christmas.  Yes, I know, I'm totally anal looking a good year in advance, but I'm one of those people who have to plan and KNOW where I am going.  Well, I found awesome deals on places to stay, just no awesome airfare because you can't book that far in advance.  Needless to say, I am also one of those paranoid people who will not book a place w/out knowing how I am going to get there.

Right now, it's between Hawaii (yes, this is KILLING ME because I REALLY want to go, but the airfare that I could see as far as you could see was wayyyyy too much), Gulf Shores or Ft. Lauderdale.  Gulf Shores we drive, Ft. Lauderdale we fly.  Hawaii I continue to dream....

So anyway, I told my mother today that we are going away for Xmas and she got pissed.  Her response was that she was having me down with the kid (uh, without asking...just assuming) and also having my younger sister down and her sister down.  First, my sister hasn't spoken to me in 6 years, despite numerous attempts at emailing, Birthday and Christmas cards.  She doesn't even know the kid, has never attempted to make contact with her, send a card, nothing.  The last time I saw her she called me a "fucking bitch" at Thanksgiving dinner and I packed up and drove 7 hours home w/out eating dinner.  Second, her sister has met me once in her life and the extent of the conversation was "Hi, I'm Barb."  Nope, No way, No Thank you.  I refuse to take part in any family drama.  I am no longer going to spend any holiday in the misery of my family.

There will no longer be any Jerry Springer meets Dr. Phil holidays for me and the kid.

We are free, I hereby declare.  And it feels good to breathe. 

Save the Drama for the Wicked Step-Mama

Okay, so here's how it goes down.

Prior to "real" Xmas, my dad and I were going to go out East to see my 91 year old grandma for Xmas.  My kid was with her father this year, so dad was going to come down in early Dec. to have Xmas with her.  Then he met my future step-mother (who will be referred to as the Wicked Witch (WW) from here on out).  He decided he no longer had time to spend with us.  I told him how that one made me feel, so he decided he could spend two hours down here because he couldn't be away from the WW for longer than that.  No matter that I also invited her.  She "didn't have time" for us either.  Whatever.

Two weeks later, he, her and her three boys families all have Xmas dinner together.  We weren't invited.  But afterwards I get the call about how big and fancy her son's home was and how well they ate.  I live in a shoebox, that made me feel like a winner.  At least I know we eat well, and not just once a year.  Ha ha.

And finally, WW decides she has time to go out East with us.  Fine.  Whatever.  No problem.  The drive out was fine.  Grandma opened her big mouth right away and totally embarrassed dad, which pissed him off (cuz my father is constantly constipated and can't lighten up).  Then it turned into my fault because I apparently egged her on.  Uh.....we have a 91 year old woman who needs no egging to get started.  And everyone knows this.  I'm still not even sure what I said to her that got her going (according to my dad).  Even my cousins who were sitting there still don't have a clue.

Day 2...I wake up and join everyone in the kitchen.  WW states how she wants a granddaughter soooo badly, and that me and the kid are not adequate enough because we don't count.  She wants one from her sons and all she has are grandsons.  I was pissed.  My dad didn't even speak up.  Just went on about how adorable HER grandsons are.  I teared up and left the room because I was not going to sit infront of the entire family and cry. 

(It's turning out like wife #2, where HER kids were the only ones that mattered.  In fact, she told him he could no longer have any contact with us kids and he stopped...for 12 years.  Until I looked him up and found out he was divorced again.)

Anyway, I get bitched at and ripped a new one from my dad because I went back to the room and I "take everything the wrong way."  Whatever...but how else are you supposed to take, "You're not adequate?"  Anyway, I go back out and sit.  WW, at this point, has met my three grown cousins and says nothing to them.  Not ONE word.  Does not engage them in conversation, look at them, etc.  She's entirely too busy licking my grandmother and aunt's backsides.

I go out and hang out with my cousins.  At this point, it's like we are kids and the grown ups are talking and the kids are not meant to be heard.  So fine.  I get ripped a new one at that point from my dad again about how I am not giving WW enough attention and she's sick of me. 

Does he expect me to stand over her with a palm leaf and fan her?  Provide her with a bell to ring incase she wants a drink?  Give her a foot massage?

At that point, I was still not sure what I did, considering I was hanging out with my cousins while all the "adults" talked. 

Day 3... I get chewed out again about how I haven't given WW any attention and how we're going to have to have a talk about my attitude.  So I get into it at that point with my dad while he is standing in front of me 6'4" of him SCREAMING at me infront of the entire family like I was a 10 year old kid who did something wrong. 

I then get told again about how the WW is just so sick of me.  I literally make her sick. Here's the cake topper. I spent the night at my cousin's house...so I wasn't even staying with my aunt and uncle where my dad and WW were staying.   How is she sick of me when I wasn't giving her any attention?  How was she sick of me if I wasn't even there to get sick of?

He then tells me that she's all that matters to him and I have just alienated myself from being in his life.  He tells me this right infront of her.  I guess she knows where she stands.  If I were her and felt threatened by me (which, I think she does), I would be sitting there very smug thinking, "ha, I could do and say anything now to get her out of our lives."  And I bet you she probably thought just that.

Next he goes to my grandma's house with her and I'm not allowed to go see my grandmother.  The phone rings and my aunt comes back to tell me we are heading home that night (at 9:30pm for a 11 hour drive) because WW is so sick of me and doesn't want me around.

We head out.  Neither of them talk to me and the bitch backs her seat all the way back so that I can't even get my foot into the backseat on the floor. 

First rest stop, I'm awake, I get out to pee.  Everyone closes their car door just fine.  Second rest stop, I'm asleep with my head on the end of her side of the car.  She slams the door as hard as she can. 

Finally, we make it back and my dad drops my bags in the kitchen, walks out of my house and leaves without a word. 

Well, fuck-that.  I did just fine for 12 years without any drama in my life.  If that's how it's going to be again, so be it.  But this time, I'm not doing the reaching.  I'm just really pissed that it's my kid that is going to be hurt and shafted.  Screw me - fine...Screw my kid - not so fine.  He can call her up and explain to her why he no longer wants to be a part of her life...I'm not going to be the one to hurt her.

Merry Fucking Christmas!  I think this one almost tops the one when my mother put me in foster care on Christmas Eve.  If it didn't top it, it's for sure a tie, or at least runner up!

What is left to say???  I clearly have to be adopted.  I just haven't found my papers yet!

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BTW, I got my dad the Season 1 & 2 of Everybody Loves Raymond for Xmas and WW was pissed.  She told me straight to my face that it was no fair that I bought that because she wanted to get it for him.  I just looked at her and told her, "You know, there are like 8 other seasons you can buy."  Bitch.

Third Wheel

2:56am...no use on sleeping now when we'll be on the road by 4:30.  I'm quite convinced that I'm going to end up being pushed aside and dragging along like a third wheel.  Not looking forward to this trip, but I want to see my grandma.  She's going to be 91 and what if this is the last time I see her? 

I had a horrible nightmare the other night that she was telling me she was talking to Bill.  That's my grandfather that has been dead for 12 years.  Then the dream went on to have someone standing over me in my bed yielding a knife.  I woke up in a sweat and haven't really been able to sleep since then.  I've just been kind of freaked out in my own house. 

Don't know what caused such a strange, crazy dream...but I dont think I'm quite over it yet.

Oh well...Merry Christmas and Happy Third Wheel to all.  :p